ONCE AND FOR ALL

new year - new blog - new chance

2007-01-01T22:08:00.000Z

Welcome in 2007. This will be the year I reach my goal. I feel ready to let go of my old habits and all the blubber that comes with them. Today marks the beginning of a new year - a new start with a clean slate. Just like my new blog.

www.alea-onceandforall.blogspot.com

I hope you all come and join me on my 'new' journey! Having found so many friends in blogland has been one of the best things that happened to me in 2006. I'm looking forward to sharing 2007 with you again. xxx

all good things must come to an end...

2006-12-28T13:38:00.000Z

And so I'm leaving this blog. I have thought long and hard about it, and although a part of me wants to hang on to it, I've decided that it's time to say Goodbye...

I'm not going to delete this blog though. I can't just wipe out one year of my life - even if it's just a virtual part of it. This has been my personal place here in blogland, a place where I got to know many wonderful people, a place where I made new friends and a place where I learned a lot about myself. How could I ever delete all this?

This blog has been a very important part of my life in 2006 and I don't regret having spent so many hours in front of the computer, blogging my time away. (Even though I might be one step farther in my weight loss journey, had I rather spent those hours at the gym...) This past year hasn't been the greatest for me weight wise, and not even writing my blog and being accountable to the world has helped me become the person I want to be. But 2006 is almost over, and there's no point in dwelling over missed chances. The moment has passed already and it's time to look forward.

A new year is just around the corner. Time for a new start. I'm currently playing around with a new blog and will post a link as soon as I feel ready... So for now, all that is left to say for me is this... A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL! May it be filled with everything you wish for.

one day late: inspirational monday...

2006-12-18T13:35:00.000Z

Credit for this week's words of wisdom go to Philippa. She had written this a few posts ago, and boy do I need to hear this now... Thanks for being such an inspiration, Phil!

Disclaimer: I would like to state explicitly that the inspirational quotes I'll be putting here on Sundays are thoughts and words of other bloggers. I don't want to take credit for them in any way and will always specify the author, if possible with a link. Please don't hesitate to contact me, should you find you don't want to be quoted in my blog! (alea.76@hotmail.com)

inspirational sunday

2006-12-10T16:20:00.000Z

"Yesterday already happened, and tomorrow really never does come. The only thing you have control over is today."

Thank you all! I have received so many helpful and encouraging comments earlier this week and was once again amazed by how inspiring you all are to me. It's kind of crazy how a few kind words in my comment section can turn things around for me. They lift my spirits. They make me feel loved and appreciated. They give me courage to start afresh. In short, they inspire me no end!

And every so often, I find myself reading things in your blogs and suddenly some of the words and sentences catch my eye. They strike a chord with me and it's as if suddenly things become clearer. As if your way to put it makes just makes so much more sense. I can't quite explain it... Maybe it's enough to say that these are the little things, the inspiration that keeps me going.

So I decided to make Sundays the day I share one of these inspirational 'quotes' I have found either in my comments or one of your blogs. After all, can't we all do with a bit of extra inspiration? ¨

Credits for this week's inpirational quotes go to Fatinah. She left those words in my comment section and they helped me tremendously to put things into perspective and give the whole thing another try. Thanks for that, Fatinah!

Disclaimer: I would like to state explicitly that the inspirational quotes I'll be putting here on Sundays are thoughts and words of other bloggers. I don't want to take credit for them in any way and will always specify the author, if possible with a link. Please don't hesitate to contact me, if you should find that you don't want to be quoted in my blog! (alea.76@hotmail.com)

insert fancy title here...

2006-12-06T14:33:00.000Z

Today looks like a promising day. It’s just after lunch and so far I’ve felt much more in control about what goes in my mouth than I have a in long time. It’s just after lunch and I feel satisfied. I’m not plagued by cravings and i finally don’t feel this restlessness that makes me turn to food for relief. I’ve started journalling again and so far I’ve consumed enough points to be full, but still have a decent amount of points left for tonight’s dinner. My fridge is stocked up with lots of veggies, cottage cheese and other such healthy stuff and if everything goes well, this could be my first OP day in months. I have even planned a little dessert for tonight, knowing full well that the time after dinner is always hardest for me… My plan is to have something sweet (and count the points for it), so I won’t feel deprived and raid the cupboard.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to stick with it, but at least I’ve got a plan which will make it easier. Or so I hope.

When I looked back on these last few weeks, I realised it was after my decision to quit WW meetings that my motivation waned and I started to slack off my weight loss efforts. It gradually went downhill from there… And then I hit rock bottom just a few days ago, when I suddenly found myself at my heaviest weight again, feeling fat and ugly and everything that comes with it. It made me think that maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to quit the meetings. That maybe I’m completely fooling myself to think for just one second that I’m strong enough to do it on my own… I don’t know whether this is true or not, but I’m not going back just yet. I’d rather give myself another chance to try and count points, and be accountable to myself only. We’ll see how it goes…

So here I am, I’m back at square one. There’s no denying it. But unlike two days ago when I felt like the biggest failure in town and just about drowned in a sea of self-pity, I’m determined not to stay here. I try to not dwell on the past but confidently look forward. Forward is the only way to go!

You might ask yourself what brought on this change of view… Well, that’s easy my friends. It was YOU that gave me back that first little bit of confidence which I needed to pick myself up again. After gaining back all the weight I lost in since May 2005 (which wasn’t even all that much to begin with) in a matter of just a few weeks, I felt like all these months before were for nothing and so was my blog. I wasted two years just to be at the same point where I started off. At square one.

However, I was wrong. So I might not be one of the most inspiring people out there, I’m no success story and who knows if I ever will be… But I’m glad to have been on this journey for all these months, because it means that I was able to ‚meet’ you all! I can’t even begin to explain what all your comments mean to me! I know it sounds kind of stupid because I don’t know anyone in ‚real’ life, but I feel like I’ve made some really great friends here and I wouldn’t change this for the world. I heart you guys!

And now, I think I’m off to the gym…

moment of truth

2006-12-04T20:08:00.000Z

How many times can I come back here and write the same sh*@# again, again and over again? It’s ridiculous. And boring. And depressing.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve fallen off the wagon BIG TIME! What had started with a few slack days has soon turned into week-long binges... And believe me, it wasn’t just the odd piece of chocolate or the bag of crisps here and there. I’m talking about fully-fledged binges. I’ve been eating like there’s no tomorrow, and there was nothing that stopped me from stuffing my face like the biggest pig in the world. Not the alarming number on the scale. Not the jeans that suddenly felt snug again. Not even the bloated feeling and the stomach ache after eating so much junk. I’m disgusted at myself.

I’m alarmingly close to my highest weight again. No scratch that, I probably AM at my highest weight now. Who am I kidding? When I weighed in at my first ever WW meeting in May 2005, I was 81.2 kg / 179 lbs. That was fully clothed and probably after having breakfast. Today, I weighed in at 79.5 kg / 175.3 lbs – but that was first thing in the morning, just after the loo and butt naked. So there. I’m back at sqare one.

It’s feels like it’s been ages since I last went to the gym too… I probably lost every ounce of muscle I built up. At least, that’s how it felt when I went on a bike ride yesterday. My cousin invited us over to play some board games, which I really love. In order to convince my boy, I suggested going by bike – it’s about 5k, with lots of uphill parts. A few months ago, this would have been easy. I wouldn’t even have considered it to be a workout. Piece of cake.
But yesterday, let me tell you, I was so out of breath and really struggled to keep up with the boy, who didn’t even ride that fast. And while I was lagging behind, trying hard not to cry, the waistband of my jeans cut into my stomach and made me feel even more uncomfortable. How could I let myself get to this point again? I was so angry at myself! Yet it didn’t stop me from gobbling up handfuls of the snacks my cousin offered… Again, what the f%*@ is wrong with me???

I feel like the fat girl again. My clothes don’t fit and I feel unattractive and unworthy and just uncomfortable in my own skin. I know that I was nowhere near a healthy or normal weight when I was a few pounds lighter last summer, but boy did it make a difference! I felt in control and that gave me confidence. I felt confident and deep down I was convinced that I can do this, that I’ll reach my goal eventually. Now I’m not so sure. I’ve lost any control I had and I’m afraid that I’ll never get it back if I don’t snap out of this mindset soon…

Sorry to be such a cry baby! I know I’m the only one who can turn things around. After all, there’s nobody forcing me to eat that much, and there’s no one who makes me stay at home when I could go to the gym really… I know all this, and yet I can’t seem to get my act together and do it right. I feel like a failure. That’s also the reason I have posted so irregularly in the past few weeks. I don’t even really deserve to call this a weight loss blog anymore…

I feel like giving up. But I won’t. I can’t. I don’t want to feel like this any longer. I want to feel confident and alive again. Right now, I just don’t know how to go about it… Hopefully, I’ll figure it soon!

If you have any advice to offer, please feel free to leave me a comment. I'm at the end of my tether, so any little piece of advice is much appreciated...

first day of another month...

2006-12-01T06:14:00.000Z

78.9 kg / 174 lbs

my 43 things list

2006-11-27T08:59:00.000Z

Meet a fellow blogger in person.

Learn how to kayak.

Have a romantic dinner at a restaurant with the boy.

Weigh less than 70 kilos.

Take part in some kind of sports competition.

Watch the sunrise from the top of a mountain.

Take a photography course to brush up my knowledge.

Write something and get it published.

Go to London to visit a friend.

Fit into my green hippie trousers and look good in them.

Get married to the love of my life.

Learn how to swim properly.

Take at least one series of practise pictures a month.

Weigh less than 60 kilos.

Buy a new camera.

Choose our wedding bands.

Donate blood.

Build a snowman.

Reach my goal weight.

Take part in a writing contest.

Take portrait photos of me and my siblings for my Mum.

Get into the habit of waking up when my alarm goes off.

Send out ‚save the date’ cards for our wedding.

Finish my studies.

Learn one of the routines of Carmen Electra’s striptease DVD.

Start writing a book.

Go for a walk at night when the full moon shines.

Be able run for 60 minutes non-stop.

Buy sexy lingerie and feel confident to wear it.

Practise playing one song on the guitar. Refresh my skills.

Do one thing I’ve been too scared to do before.

Complete one of many partially finished craft projects.

Learn spanish.

Go to the cinema by myself.

Sell something on Ebay.

Book the flight that will take us on another journey around the world.

Create a website for said journey.

Have professional photos taken.

Go skinny dipping.

Declutter. Big time.

Practise playing one song on the piano. Refresh my skills.

Get a job for summer break in 2007.

Hike to our favourite mountain lake and indulge in battered fish.

random post

2006-11-23T07:17:00.000Z

Too many thoughts are running through my head lately and it seems kind of impossible to sum up everything in one post... I've been putting off writing a post because I don't know where to start and what to say, how sad is that? So I'll just do a random dot post, so you get an idea what I've been up to and then I can go from there. Sounds good? (Obviously, that's just a rhetorical question because I'm going to keep typing anyway... haha!)

I'm working on a list of things I want to do. There are many out there who have a 101 things in 1001 days list, and I've been especially inspired by Kate, who has managed to cross quite a few things off her list already. I love lists, and I love crossing things off of it even more! My list will be much shorter though, because I don't think I can 'plan' for a time span of 1001 days. I've got no idea where I'll be in 2 years...

I quit going to WW meetings. I don't know whether this is actually a good idea or not - but I guess time will show. I made that decision a few weeks ago, when I was so stressed out with work and study and life in general, that I barely found time for myself. Our leader was always saying that taking time for the meeting actually IS like taking time for yourself, but lately I just didn't feel that way. It has become another 'duty' and since I have to drive to another town it used to take up almost an entire morning. Plus, it wasn't all that satisfying to go there every week and not see any real progress. I'm fully aware that this is my own fault of course, but I just figured that I don't need to pay the money and sacrifice one morning if it doesn't make a difference. There. I'm trying it on my own for a while and see how I'll go.

My sister is getting married! It's very short notice and we won't be there because she's going abroad to do it, but I'm very excited for her and hope she'll be happy. Last Saturday we went to buy her wedding dress which was fun. While I was sitting there, admiring her looking so beautiful in those dresses, it suddenly dawned on me that this will be me next year. I really need to get a legger on - I don't want to be a fat bride!!!

Speaking of weddings... We've finally decided on a date for our wedding - September 1, 2007. It still doesn't feel real somehow... But now that we know the date, we can start organising. Exciting!

I finally organised all blogs in my Bloglines. I've had bookmarked so many blogs when I came across them, intending to follow them for a while but then never got round to it... There are thousands of great blogs out there, and I know I can't read them all, but at least now I can check them out properly and see if I want to keep up with them or not. So then I'll either delurk or delete them from Bloglines. Simple.

When I was sorting through all these blogs, there were some bloggers who kind of just disappeared. I was asking myself if they really deleted their blogs or if it was just a technical problem that prevented me from getting to them? Any ideas? I loved reading 'Path to Mindfulness', but suddenly it's not there anymore... Sad. Or 'Vegasqueen' - has she really disappeared from blogland? Oh, and of course then there are those whose blog is still there but not updated for many many months... Will they ever come back or did they just forgot about their blog? ... Ok, so I guess I don't really have a point here, don't know why I'm even writing all this... Just wondering...

I'm so bloody tired all the time! I feel like I could sleep all day and still be tired in the evening... Guess I've got some kind of bear genes which make me want to hibernate now that winter is here.

CONGRATULATIONS to Philippa for competing in her first triathlon ever! And for signing up for the next one already... You're an amazing woman, and you never cease to inspire me!

One last random thing... I'm teaching English to some kids (age 9-11) and with Christmas being so close I'd love to make them write Christmas cards and send them to children that are native English speakers. They are absolute beginners, but I still think it would be neat for them to send a card and maybe receive a little answer back. I'm sure it'll give them a great sense of achievement to feel like they can communicate with native speakers. And lots of motivation too! So, any teachers or parents out there who are willing to share their adress so that we can send you Christmas cards? Just drop me a line at alea.76@hotmail.com.

Ok. That's enough randomness for today... Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

just a little reminder

2006-11-20T21:03:00.000Z

Aarrgh... There are so many thoughts running trough my head all the time and I so often find myself thinking that it'll make a great topic for a post and then I don't have the time to blog about it right away, and when I finally sit down of course I can't remember one single thing... I'm trying to get my head sorted, and hopefully I'll be back with a proper post soon!

In the meantime, I just wanted to remind you of Blogger's Secret Santa... For more information go here. A few bloggers have already signed up, which is very cool (and very much appreciated). So why don't you join in as well? It'll be fun!

Ta. Talk to you later... :)

alive again

2006-11-16T06:59:00.000Z

I can't get this song out of my head... I'm alive, I'm alive... I'm aliiiiive again... I was listening to it on my iPod yesterday, when I walked home from work. Yes, I walked. 95 minutes. And it was great! It was a beautiful day, almost spring-like, and I felt like walking, so I thought why not? I don't have to rush home because every minute of my week has to be spent worrying about work or getting stuff done anymore. I can take the time and walk home if I want to. So I did. And I felt great and very much alive again. That's probably why that song is stuck in my brain now... :)

My daily peek at the scale shows a downwards trend for this week so far. Yipeee! I'll just have to be careful and not get complacent already, thinking that now that I'm on a losing streak I can get away with this or that... I don't want to thwart the nice numbers that I've been seeing.

That's my week in a nutshell. There are so many things I want to blog about, but it'll all have to wait for another post... Stay tuned. :)

Have a great day and be good!

feeling good again

2006-11-13T10:19:00.000Z

Today marks another restart of my weight loss. Yes, you heard me right – I’m starting afresh. Again. And I’m quite optimistic that I will stick with it this time. Not that in a obsessive all-or-nothing way that had me wavering after a few days so many times before. It’s just not healthy to look at it that way. Then, going over my allotted points a bit already seems like a failure and my devil-may-care attitude sets in. We all know I still fall for these ‚I’ve been bad already, might as well be worse’ mindgames…. So I’m trying not to obsess over staying within points and losing weight, but try to have a more relaxed attitude towards everything. That doesn’t mean I’m only giving it a half-arsed attempt though. I will just go back to the basics – eat sensibly, make good food choices, go back to journalling my food, track my points, monitor my water intake. And I’m hoping that getting back into exercising regularly will just follow naturally. Yeeehaw, I’m getting back on the horse!

Another reason for my optimism today is the fact that I’m allowed to quit the part-time job I mentioned a few posts ago. My boss gave me a ring on Saturday and we talked about everything that was stressing me. He was so understanding and helpful, and although it means that they will have a rough time now until they find someone else, he agreed to let me go and release me from work as per today. I’m so relieved! I feel like a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders and I’m finally able to breathe again. It’s quite astonishing how much it seemed to have affected my whole personality – I feel so much more like me again.
Just before I hung up he said: „You know, I fully understand what you’re going through. I’ve been there too. And I just want you to know that I don’t resent you for quitting, for leaving us the trouble to find someone else. It’s best for you. And I’d be happy to meet up with you, and see how you’re doing. Don’t be afraid to come round and say Hi.“ Such a nice thing to say because, frankly, I thought I couldn’t let myself be seen there ever again… I had no intention of going back there and feel the humiliation of not being strong enough or good enough all over again. I felt like a failure and he was able to put my mind at ease, so that I can make peace with myself. I don’t need to beat myself up over it. I thanked him and teared up instantly. When I finally rang off, I just sat there for a few minutes, bawling my eyes out. Tears of relief for feeling ‚free’ again, and tears of gratitude for being so lucky to have had such a nice person as a boss.

I feel so much better now. There’s still a shitload of work to do for me, but I feel like I’m finally able to deal with it. I’ll just have to tackle one thing after the other and I’ll be fine.

And the most important thing is that I now have time for myself again. I can go to the gym, or for a walk or whatever without feeling my head is going to explode because of the nagging ‚I should rather be doing do this or that’ thoughts. My brains capacity isn’t completely occupied with work-related things, there’s still a bit of space left for me to concentrate on losing weight and getting healthy. I can do this. I’m free.

i can still win the race

2006-11-09T14:16:00.000Z

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down
And you feel like the biggest failure in town
When you want to give up just because you gave in
And forgot all about being healthy and thin
So what? You went over your points a bit
It's your next move that counts…
So DON'T YOU QUIT!

It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change
It's learning the skills to get back in your range
It's telling yourself "You've done great up till now,
You can take on this challenge and beat it some how"
It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal
You're still gonna make it, just stay in control
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace
If you summon the will to get back in the race.

But often the strugglers when losing their grip
Just throw in the towel and continue to slip
And learn too late when the damage is done
That the race wasn't over…they still could have won.

Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow
But facing each challenge will help you grow
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint in a cloud of doubt
When you're pushed to the brink just refuse to submit
If you bite it, you write it
But
DON'T YOU QUIT!!

This is a poem Phil sent me when I was struggling (seems a bit like it's all I do...), and I printed it out and stuck it to the fridge. It helps. Thought I'd share it with you, although I'm sure a lot of you have already seen it on her blog already...

Thanks Phil, you're a star!

enough is enough!

2006-11-08T21:27:00.000Z

It’s exactly one year since I started this blog. Cool. Happy anniversary, dear blog! What better occasion to actually look back on the past twelve months and see how it all started and how far I’ve come since? Right. Umm… let me think… ahem…

The decision to have a blog was one of those spur-of-the-moment things. I can’t quite recall how I ever stumbled across a weightloss blog while surfing the internet – must have been fate or something. The first success story I read was Jamie’s . She’s a superb writer, I was captivated. And her before and after pics – they just blew me away! It was her who (without knowing it) gave me that tiny ray of hope and the motivation take action and join WW. Soon after, I found Kathleen’s blog, then Jess’s blog and after lurking for a while I decided that having a blog was a neat thing. So I created my own. I guess you kind of know the rest… :)

I can’t know what exact weight I was when I made that very first entry one year ago because I didn’t write it down. A few days later though, on November 14th, I weighed in at 76.4 kg / 168.1 lbs. Good. But… wait! So that actually means that now, here, in year 2006, after 12 months of trying to lose weight - I’m actually HEAVIER than I was last year. WHAT?! Didn’t I lose any weight at all???

Well, yes I did. I lost a couple of pounds. But then I gained them back. Oh… wait. Then I lost another pound or so. And gained it back… Hey, don’t roll your eyes like that…! Because I really sucked it up then and lost some weight after that. The thing is just… well… Ok. I guess I gained it back and then some more…

I could keep on writing this... But I don't want to bore you to tears. And anyway, I've long lost count of all my ups and downs. Let’s just say that if I could string all the pounds I lost together, and forget the pounds I gained back, I might be at goal already. Wow.

So what happened? What kept me from losing weight successfully? The answer to that is simple. Excuses. Lots of excuses. Feable excuses. Pathetic excuses. Excuses as to why I can’t exercise, excuses for eating junk, excuses for just about everything. And the only one I've been hurting with all these excuses is me. (Ok, and maybe you, because you have to read that same shit again and again…) It’s got to stop! This is ridiculous! I’m not bitter though. Maybe a little bit disappointed in myself for my lack of committment, but not bitter. And by no means am I giving up!

I’ve been reading all these amazing and inspiring stories of women who are successful in one way or the other. Some have reached their goal, some are well on their way towards goal. Some have made healthy lifestyle changes, some are now able to run a marathon whereas they used to be out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs. They all look great and most of them ooze happiness and confidence now. And apart from being very very inspiring they have one thing in common – they’ve all worked hard for it! The kilos didn’t just drop off them all by themselves, they had do MAKE them go away. I somehow made myself believe that their life was different, maybe easier and that it was my situation that kept me from being successful. What a load of codswallop! Everyone has their fair share of struggles and obstacles and what makes you successful is just the way you deal with them. Duh... Why did it take me so long to figure that out?

Obviously I haven’t been dealing with them very well. Maybe I didn’t deal with them at all. I just kept on making excuses, and as soon as I came upon the tiniest of bumps in the road, I made some more excuses and gave myself a free pass to eat like it was going out of style.

So what do I do now? Giving up is NOT an option. It might seem like I’ve lost a year. But let’s just pretend it was me warming up for the real thing. Here’s to another year of losing weight! This time for real.

Please come along for the ride! My half-arsed efforts might not have brought me anywhere yet, but getting to know you was worth this first year of blogging. It’s your encouraging comments and your belief in me that keeps me going, no matter how many times I fall. And it’s your stories that continue to give me hope, that someday I’ll get to goal as well. I heart you all guys! Thanks for everything.

a quickie for lunch :)

2006-11-08T10:54:00.000Z

I'm just quickly checking in while a yummy risotto with leek and dried tomatoes is happily simmering away on the stove... Mmmh!

Thanks for everyone who has signed up for Blogger's Secret Santa so far! I'm all excited about it and hope that many more will come forward and take part in the Christmas fun. Don't be shy! :)

secret santa

2006-11-06T17:14:00.000Z

Did you ever participate in the secret exchange of gifts at Christmas time where everyone has to get a little something for someone else but no one know who their Secret Santa is? I used to love it. I was wondering if any of you fellow bloggers want to do one this year? It could be fun, don’t ya think?

I loved the postcard swap Anne came up with a few months ago. I thought it was great idea and especially now that Christmas is just around the corner it would be nice to receive mail from other bloggers, wouldn’t it? A few nice words, some holiday wishes or some encouragement for our weight loss journeys…

Anyone interested? I'll coordinate it. Here is how it will work.

Sign up
Send me an email (alea.76@hotmail.com) saying you are willing to participate - you need to submit your email, your postal adress and your blog adress. Please let me also know if you prefer not to have an international address to send your ‘gift’ to. Please send your email no later than November 20th.

Notification
On November 25th I will send everyone an email notifying them of the person they are to be Secret Santa for and give them the details of their pal. Each participant will be a ‚gift’ giver and a ‚gift’ receiver.

What is considered ‚a gift’ and how does it work?
Each Secret Santa should send their pal at least one Christmas card or a letter with some nice and encouraging words – this is considered ‚a gift’.
‚Gifts’ might also include…

…leaving encouraging comments on your pal’s blog
…virtual cards or flowers to your pal’s email adress
…sending a little something you think your pal will like

Be Creative - the presents are limited only by your imagination. Be as creative as you like, but keep it anonymous if you can. Nobody should feel obliged to send more than a card – and if you still decide to send a little present, keep it simple and don’t go overboard. It’s the thought that counts! You can give more than one ‚gift’ if you have the time and creativity – it’s entirely up to you.

Rules
Secret Santa month will be December. Your pal should get her/his ‚gift’ no later than Christmas though. Just before Christmas the Secret Santas will be revealed.

Let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions that could make this even more fun! And spread the news - the more the merrier! :)

shock! gasp! horror!

2006-11-06T08:47:00.000Z

That pretty much describes what I felt when I stepped on the scale yesterday. A gain of 1.4 kg / 3 lbs wasn’t what I wanted to see! Sure, some of it might have been caused by the celebratory wine and good food I had the night before… But given the way I stuffed my face the whole week before that I know that this a real gain, not just some sort of fluctuation. Guess there’s no one else to blame but me…
So don’t fear – I’m not going to whine about how much I screwed it up again and how much I wanted to stay OP this week but just couldn’t and blah blah blah… There are no excuses really. I didn’t stay on track and it was my choice. I’m thirty, I’m supposed to be a grown-up, so why don’t I just learn to be responsible and own up for my own actions already? There’s nobody force-feeding me those crisps and chocolates, right? Right. So here’s to a better week.

The situation on the job front hasn’t changed. I haven’t been able to leave yet, they kind of talked me into giving it a try again... But they’re being very helpful and I can see that they’re really trying to make it easier for me. So yeah, I’m giving it another try and therefore I’m still quite as stressed as before…

I’m trying hard not to let it affect me too much though. I know I still need to make time for myself and my health. I can’t let it all slip and end up being heavier than I ever was, no matter how stressful life is. There’s nothing ever so important as being healthy. And I really WANT to lose weight! End of story.

my love

2006-11-05T19:23:00.000Z

The first photo is the boy and I just before we went out yesterday to celebrate our anniversary. We just thought we'll take a quick picture to introduce him to you all... :)

The second photo is one of my favourites. It was taken last winter when we were out on a hike in the snow. Happy memories!

it's gonna be a good day, just wait and see...

2006-11-04T16:05:00.000Z

To mark the special occasion of Hilly’s birthday I titled today’s post with a line from a song like she always does… Go and send some birthday wished her way ! :)

I probably won’t forget her birthday so fast, because today also happens to be an anniversary for the boy and me. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MIN LIEBSCHTE!

He doesn’t normally read my blog I think, but I’ll make him read it today… :)

Twelve years. It seems so unreal. We didn’t actually meet each other on this date for the first time – we ‚knew’ each other much longer, because we both grew up in the same village, a small place where people know each other. We went to the same school in our teenage years and I knew who he was, but that was about it. And to be honest, I wasn’t the least bit interested to know more. I didn’t like him. He was tall and broad-shouldered while the other boys were still the kids they were in primary school, just a bit more spotty… But he was handsome, in a manly and rebellious way, with his long hair and deep voice – and VERY popular with the girls. Especially the popular girls, to which group I didn’t really belong I guess… Of course he enjoyed the attention he got (which man wouldn’t?) and that made him all the more undesirable for me. He was way out of my league anyway.

Twelve years ago was the year we turned eighteen, the age you’re considered politically mature. Every year there’s a special event for those who turned eighteen, some sort of young citizien function. And it was at that function we met again, after not having seen each other for about two or three years… I wasn’t exactly happy to be seated at the same table as he was, but started to relax and enjoy myself as the evening went on. We decided to go to another place for more drinks and partying, and so about eleven of us squeezed into his old Toyota – quite a sight, let me tell ya… There were even people in the boot of the car! I came last and the only space left was on his knees in the front passenger seat. Great. I remember trying hard not to sit down properly as to not let him feel how heavy I was, because I thought I was too fat… I was probably around 60 kg / 132 lbs then. What would I give to be that weight again!

I needn’t have worried though, seems like I’ve made a lasting impression. (Haha! Pun intended!) He spent the rest of the night talking to me, not paying any attention to anyone else… On the way home (I was sitting on his knees again) he tentatively began touching my hand and nuzzling his head in my hair. He had quite a few drinks by then and although I enjoyed it immensly I didn’t think much of it. Once I had been dropped off at home, I didn’t think I would hear from him again… But the next day he was at the station when my train arrived, allegedly just by coincidence. :)

What followed were twelve mostly happy years. Of course we had our fair share of difficulties and rough times as well, and even separated once for a few weeks only to realise that we were better together. But I won’t bore you any longer… :)

Min Liebschte, thank you for the past twelve years! You are my everything and I love you to bits!

just to let you know...

2006-11-02T07:38:00.000Z

I'm still alive, trying to get through each day without drowning in all the things that should get done... Eating has been total crap, I just can't seem to get my act together. Today I had crisps and chocolate for breakfast. Great.

'Focus.' the boy said to me recently. 'You need to focus.'

He's right of course. My problem is that I just can't decide on WHAT. There's the weight loss I should focus on, and there are three written assignements I should focus on, and there's work to focus on... You get the drift.

Speaking of work, I need to get a legger on or else I'll be late. I will try and write some more tonight.

Have a great day and be good. :)

feeling overwhelmed

2006-10-29T15:39:00.000Z

+ 0.3 kg / 0.7 lbs

Oops. That wasn’t quite the direction I wanted the numbers to go. Not good. I have to be honest though and admit that a gain was to be expected, after the appalling week I had food wise… It started off great (like so many other week) but ended in total disaster. Perhaps I should even be happy that I didn’t gain more. I do sometimes wonder if I ever get past this point. Will I ever have more than just two or three days of being good in a row? Well, if I really want to get rid of the lard, I’ll have to. Simple as that. Lesson learned (again), moving on. I refuse to give up.

Let me explain why it is so difficult for me to focus on my weight loss right now. I’m not trying to justify my lack of effort or come up with an excuse. Because, frankly, there is no excuse. Nothing should ever be more important than taking care of yourself and nothing should ever keep you from getting healthy. Yet that’s what happens time and again… I guess that’s called life.

During our holiday in France I realised something. We were hiking along the beach for hours on end with our heavy backpacks on, the sun shining in your face, feeling the sand crunch under our feet and hearing nothing but the constant crash of the surf. Pure heaven. Away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Hiking all day can be quite cathartic, you can let your thoughts run freely and change your perspective. That’s why I love about travelling slowly, with nothing but a backpack and a tent.
This time though, I had a hard time letting go of all the stress and pressure I’ve been under, studying and working at the same time. I wasn’t able to relax and let my mind wander, instead thoughts about what I should have done earlier and what I should do when I get back constantly raced in my mind. I couldn’t savour every moment and enjoy just being there with the love of my life like I so desperately wanted to. That’s when it finally dawned on me that I had too much going on in my life. It suddenly became clear that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and that I needed to change something in order to remain sane and healthy. It’s taken me a long time to admit that I can’t cope with my workload. It’s simply too much and I’m totally overwhelmed by everything.

I’ve since decided to try and get out of the job I started in August. I work there only part-time, one day a week, but it would be such a relief to have something less to worry about. The only thing is that my contract doesn’t allow me to leave until Juli 2007 unless my boss agrees to let me leave. I’m currently negotiating with him – he’s been very understanding so far, but at the same time he doesn’t really want to find someone else, so he hasn’t agreed to let me go yet.

This is quite a nerve-racking time for me, and being the emotional eater that I am, I have sought comfort in food. A lot of food. Of course I never really find comfort in food, but it’s what I’ve been doing for so long and it’s hard to break the habit. When the going gets though I eat. I stuff my face until I’m almost sick, trying desperately to drown out any other feelings. It doesn’t work, never has. I’m more than ready to let go of this self-destructive behaviour, but what I need is time and space for me to deal with my emotions. I’m hoping to gain time by reducing my workload, time for me, time for dealing with my food issues, time for living healthy. If only they let me.

what's it about this new mission?

2006-10-22T16:26:00.000+01:00

Only ten weeks left of 2006. Wow. This year has just flown by and I'm nowhere near the goals I set myself at the beginning of it...

Many of my fellow bloggers are starting some kind of challenge for the remaining weeks of this year today and I thought - why not join in? I'm trying hard not to dwell on the fact that I haven't really lost anything by now, but I will focus on those last weeks of this year and try to get as much out of them as possible weightloss wise. Especially now that the most difficult time of the year for everyone who's on a weightloss journey is approaching, I think it's really important not to lose one's goals out of sight. I don't want to enter 2007 being the weight I am now (which is more or less the same weight I had entering 2006). And I know that if I don't pay attention and prepare myself for the food frenzy that is about to start I could easily pile some more kilos on and then be even heavier at the end of this year. And I really do not want this to happen!!!

So, I'm jumping on the challenge bandwagon and start my mission 2006 today. Wish me luck and feel free to join in. The more the merrier! :)

PS: I know this is kind of random, but I wanted to get it out here on the actual starting day... I will write about my holiday and everything it triggered later.

mission 2006

2006-10-22T16:19:00.000+01:00

*update December 4th*
Seeing that I only gained (a lot!) so far on this challenge, I'm going to give it up. It just doesn't do me any good to see those depressing numbers all the time and be reminded of being such a failure... I need a clean slate.

Starting date: October 22, 2006
Starting weight: 76.2 kg / 167.9 lbs

Week 1: + 0.3 kg (76.5 kg / 168.7 lbs)
Week 2: + 1.4 kg (77.9 kg / 171.7 lbs)
Week 3: + 1.2 kg (79.1 kg / 174.4 lbs)
Week 4: - 0.9 kg (78.2 kg / 172.4 lbs)
Week 5:
Week 6:
Week 7:
Week 8:
Week 9:
Week 10:

End of challenge: December 31, 2006
Weight: ???

holiday impressions

2006-10-20T10:45:00.000+01:00

signing off

2006-10-08T13:04:00.000+01:00

Thanks for the kind words and advice to my last post. It means the world to me and I heart you all!

Instead of putting your good ideas into action right away, I cut myself some slack… I haven’t even tried to count my points or stay OP – I just ate whatever I felt like, and whenever I felt like having something. And yes, admittedly it was way more than I needed. It even included a pizza feast yesterday. And boy did I ever enjoy it! Hopefully, I got all those cravings out of my system now – at least for the time being – so that I can start afresh and give it my best. I have hit rock bottom once again and I feel the only way from here is upward. (Or downward if we’re speaking of my weight!)

Right now I’m busy with packing. Tonight we’ll be on our way to Paris and from there to the Atlantic coast of France. Nice.
I’m kind of stressed though because of all the work (written assignements and such) that’ll sit here at home not being done. I’m a bit overwhelmed by my workload at the moment and feel like I don’t really have the time to go on a holiday. But alas, I’m going all the same and hopefully the time away will do me good. I’ll just ignore work and enjoy myself.

Unfortunately, being on holiday will also mean that I’ll have no internet access which is a shame because I just got back into updating my blog on more regular basis and keeping up with your blogs… I know I will miss you. But hey, at least this way there’s something to look forward to the holiday is over and we have to come home again. I'll be back in two weeks.

Have a great time and take care. Love you all!

mission impossible?

2006-10-06T21:48:00.000+01:00

No, I’m not talking about Tom Cruise or about stealing some secret list from the CIA headquarters here… I’m talking about ME and my fruitless and seemingly impossible mission to lose weight. This is getting ridiculous. Remember how I just mentioned in my last post how grateful I am that you still come back although I do write the same things again and again? I do REALLY appreciate it, because I could totally understand if you’d be so bored out of your mind by my half-arsed efforts and constant whining that you’d lose interest and stay away… Frankly, even I am bored. Bored to tears. Literally. Although it might be that those tears are caused by sheer frustration rather than boredom…

I mean, just look at me. Here I am in October, a mere three months from 2007, still weighing about the same I did at the beginning of this year. Still at square one and not one step farther… What the heck happened to the good intentions and resolutions from January? What happened to the promises I gave myself? Why can’t I ever keep those promises???

Reading about the success of my blogger friends makes me happy. There are so many out there who have - through hard work and perseverance - made it to their goals, or at least close to them. They deserve every little bit of their success and I’m very proud of them. I want to make this very clear so you don’t get what I’m going to say next the wrong way… I’m not jealous and I certainly don’t resent anyone for their success! But when I read posts like this one (Conrats to you Gorgeous! You’ve done so well and I’m very happy for you!) it makes me think about all the chances I gave away in the past few months. I mean, theoretically I could be in the same place now, couldn’t I? If only I had worked as hard instead of sitting on my lazy bum and making up excuses all the time. If only I had exercised more and journalled everything. If only I had stayed OP and put more effort in it. If only…

But ahem... I haven’t accomplished anything. I’m losing and gaining the same two or three kilos over and over again. How futile is that…! I’m starting to fear that I’m not cut out to be a successful loser. That I’ll be one of those that will NEVER get to goal. It’s not that I don’t believe in the programme – I know it does work if I work it properly. And having the job that I have I also know a thing or two about nutrition, and I can say without hesitation that losing the pounds following WW’s rules is doing it the right way by changing bad habits and adopting a healthy lifestyle. It’s just common sense really. So no, I don’t doubt the programme. What I do start to doubt though is my ability to stick to the programme for long enough to actually see some real progress. How many times can you fail at something? Sooner or later I might lose the belief in myself and just give up.

And I so don’t want this to happen! It’s about time to get my act together and give it my best shot! I need to make it work for me too. I’m not ready to give up just yet. I will NOT throw the towel in. I will stop complaining, because I know why I haven’t come very far and what has been wrong up until now. I have all the tools to make it work, and it’s up to me to put them to use. Losing weight is NOT a mission impossible and I will prove it to myself!

I’m going to knuckle down and try to give it my best until the end of this year. I might not reach my goals for 2006, but I can at least try and get as close to them as possible. Time to get real. Wish me luck.

feel the love

2006-10-02T23:12:00.000+01:00

I’ve been mulling over some things for quite a while now and have finally decided to stop being such a slacker and post a long overdue update and let you all know how I am and what I’m up to. That was my intention before I logged onto bloglines anyway. Now that I’ve read all my favourite blogs I don’t feel like talking about points and pounds and my newest plans so much anymore. So I’m just going to save that post for tomorrow, if anyone is still interested in my latest thoughts about the whole weight loss thing… And if not, I will probably still post it anyway, because it feels good to have it out in the open and seeing it in print makes my plans seem more real. :)

But as I just said, this is not what I’m going to talk about right now. Instead, I’m going to talk about love. (Yes, you read that quite right...)

When I was reading some of my favourite blogs today, a feeling of great joy and love welled up inside me. Joy and gratitude for having found people in blogland who believe in me and care about me, even though I never met anyone of them in person. Knowing that there’s someone out there who will come back time after time, no matter how many times I fail, not matter how many times I talk about getting back on track and no matter how many times I write basically the same things, just using different words, is a wonderful feeling. It makes me feel loved. And isn’t this what we’re all striving for? To be loved and to give love. Do you know that feeling, when you’re so full of happiness and love that you think you’re going to burst any moment? That’s the way I feel right now and it makes me tear up...

It might all sound a bit corny to you, and yes, maybe I’m just in a sentimental mood… But I just wanted to let you all know that I believe I found true friends here and that I appreciate the support and inspiration I get from you so much! It means the world to me, it really does. I just want to say THANK YOU, and give some of the love back...

Love ya all!

PS: Oh and while we’re at it… Why don’t you go over to Snackie’s blog and share some love because she’s a great person and deserves it? And then maybe you could nip round to Jess’s blog and leave her some Happy Birthday wishes… Because she deserves it too.

PPS: I hope this wasn't all too much... I've got no idea how all this sentimental stuff I just spilled out comes across. And to be frank, I don't care. It is what was on my mind and I wanted to share it. This is my blog and I'm allowed to write whatever I want - like it or not. :)

off to a new start!

2006-09-21T06:00:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was the start of yet another WW week and I'm bent on making it work for me again! I gained 0.3 kg / 0.7 lbs and although I could try and blame it on TOM, I guess not paying attention to what I was eating is what has caused the gain. Serves me quite right...

I can do better than that. And I will! Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I jotted down the points of everything I ate and managed to stay right on target. Yay! I feel like I'm finally getting back into the headspace where I need to be have a successful WW week. About time too!

shake it baby

2006-09-20T15:44:00.000+01:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt as embarrassed as I did yesterday… I’m still blushing, just thinking of it. It was on of those moments when you feel that all attention is suddenly turned on your body and you’re acutely aware how uncomfortable you feel in it. Of course it’s no news that I don’t feel all that happy with how my body looks. However, even if it seems that I think about my body and about losing weight all the time, I don’t always pay that much attention to how bad the situation is. You know, under normal circumstances I manage to NOT think about how I look and live in unkowing bliss. I’ve become a pro in deceiving myself into believing that I’m not THAT fat. Which probably also explains why I’m always so shocked when I see pictures of myself. Looking at them I’m faced with the harsh (or should I say FAT…) reality, my mind so clevery tries to ignore… But I digress.

The thing is, I can’t dance. And I don’t just mean, I don’t know any steps, moves or routines… I’m literally unable to move to music without looking like a complete moron. Ok, there have been a few occasions, usually with lots of alcohol involved, in which I actually attempted to shake a leg in public… Yeah, give me few drinks and I’m blissfully oblivious (read drunk) to the fact that I can’t dance. Too bad the more „oblivious“ I get, the less I’m able to conduct controlled and demanding movements – so I end up looking like an idiot anyway.

The same applies to anything remotely similar to dancing – like aerobics and such… I can hardly have some drinks before I exercise just so I don’t feel too embarrassed, can I? (Yes, I know I’m rambling and I’ll get to the point right now…)

So yesterday I went to the gym with the intention of doing my strength/cardio programme of which I bailed out on Monday. I go to the reception / bar area to sign in and there’s Andrea (more about her later) going all like „Oh, will you join the Latino class today please? Just this once. It's fun, you'll see!“ She happened to be the only one for the class and they don’t do classes for just one person. I apologized and explained that I couldn’t possibly join the Latino class (which is kind of aerobics but with Latin music and lots of hip action – read dancing), because I would not be able to follow the class anyway… So she asked my sister who was with me and she agreed and said she’d give it a try. It was my sister who then talked me into coming along… Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking! I felt like such a fat blob! I don’t think anyone paid any attention to my fat jiggling and wobbling all over the place and I’m sure nobody would have been judgemental in any way, but I still felt like everyone was staring at me. It was just in my head though, it was ME who was staring at my body in that mirror in front of me! I hated what I saw and I absolutely hated the way I felt! My brain was flooded with negative thoughts and emotions about myself…

You see, it’s not that I don’t WANT to dance. I’d love to be able to! And there’s nothing one couldn’t learn, is there? I used to do Karate until about twenty, which is a coordinatively demanding physical activity too and I was actually quite good at it. So why shouldn’t I be able to learn to dance as well?

My lack of self-esteem and my fear of drawing attention to my body is what’s holding me back. I feel unhappy with my body and I’d rather hide somewhere than risk being noticed. I believe that in order to dance you have to let go… And I’m not ready for that. In a sense I’m a prisoner of my body, held captive by my inhibitions. I don’t want it to be this way, but I can’t help feeling the way I do either…

Mary and Philippa both said something that struck a chord with me. As you might know I’ve been struggling to get back on the wagon lately and the advice the gave me is to try and focus on the reason why I’m doing this. WHY do I want to do this, WHY is it important for me to reach my goal? Well, there are countless reasons and maybe I ought to make a list someday…
But one thing is paramount. I want to be able to love myself. I want to be able to accept me for the person I am, and let go of the negative feelings and inhibitions. I want to live my life to the fullest and feel good about myself and my body. And who knows, maybe that’s when I’ll finally be able to dance.

If you made it thus far, thank you for reading. :)
Have a wonderful day!

day by day

2006-09-18T09:18:00.000+01:00

I’m feeling very blah today… It’s grey and dark outside, and raining cats and dogs. I don’t really mind bad weather at all - it just makes me want to stay inside and be in my trackies all day. I just can’t be bothered to get dressed, go out and do some actual work. So I decided to take the day off and have a very special treat-yourself-kindly-because-you-deserve-it day. Nice, huh?

I’ve been quite stressed since school has started again, so I think it’s best to have some ME time now. I’m a bit overwhelmed by life in general. Seems like I might have taken on a bit too much – more than I can handle right now…
You see, I’ve been working and studying (both part-time of course) for the past three years. It has been quite difficult to find the right balance between working a lot and therefore having a great deal of stress and working less and having the stress of not having enough money. So until July I worked very little, only three half days, which was great because I still had some time for myself, but it was challenging at times to make both ends meet… I’ve got only one year left to finish my studies and I’m so looking forward to putting all this behind me! Especially because the boy and I have decided that we’ll go travelling again after that… We had been travelling for ten months a few years back and it had been the best time of our lives. We’ve always wanted to do this again before we consider starting a family, so it’s about time we went…!
In order to be able to save as much money as possible I had to increase my salary, so I work now almost fulltime AND still have homework and written assignments to do which is quite stressful. But I’ll live. It might take some time to wrap my head around the fact that I don’t have that much free time anymore but I’ll get used to it. I’ll just have to think ahead and imagine myself sitting at the beach somewhere… :)

I guess this situation is also partly to blame for my lack of committment when it comes to weight loss. I’ve been just too preoccupied with all these things, so that caring about points and weight loss goals has been pushed to the farthest corner of my mind… But I’m slowly but surely trying to focus on that part of my life again. Step by step, day by day.

I’ve realized that even if it’s not „Pow!“ and all the motivation and determination is back at once, I can still get back on track. I’ll just have to think baby steps. Focus at one thing at the time and try to do that as good as I can. For now, the things I’m going to focus on are exercise and water intake.

Exercise hasn’t been all too bad in the last few days. I’ve been to the gym regularly and I don’t think that it’ll take me much of an effort to keep that up because I actually enjoy it. I might some more about it later… Maybe I should take Mary’s advice and start planning exercise in advance and post it here. Being able to tick it off might give me a sense of achievement which is always nice.

Drinking enough water has always been a bit of a weak point… And miraculously it has always been one of the most crucial things for me when it comes to „being good“. As soon as I drank enough water, staying within my points allowance suddenly seemed much easier. So I’m hoping it’ll have the same effect on me this time round…

Thanks for your hugs, your advice and for believing in me! It means the world to me.

exercise plan

2006-09-18T09:10:00.000+01:00

MON Strength / Cardio (90 minutes) ... bailed out of it
TUE Latino (60 minutes) / Running (20 minutes) DONE
WED Strength / Cardio (90 minutes) DONE
THU Crosstrainer (30 minutes) erm... not so much...
FRI Yoga (90 minutes) DONE
SAT Strength / Cardio (90 minutes)
SUN day off OR go for a walk

can't think of a title...

2006-09-15T06:31:00.000+01:00

My start back into the programme didn’t go very well… I’ve started last week full of the best intentions (as always!) but couldn’t quite see it through. It’s so hard to get back on track after you let yourself go for a while! After doing ok on Wednesday, my motivation was on the wane on Thursday already and by Friday I stopped writing my points journal and it was all downhill from there… :(

I kind of hoped to come back here and finally be a REAL success. You know, not just successful in the sense that I keep trying, but successful by actually losing weight! I was hoping for a magic moment when everything falls into place and suddenly my goal becomes attainable and easy… No such thing happened though. And it never will. Unfortunately losing weight it’s not that easy, isn’t it? If I want this to happen I’ll have to work for it. I know that everyone of you who got to goal had to work hard to make that dream come true. There’s no magic, no abracadabra and no fairy with free wishes… Just hard work and perseverance.

Theoretically, I know all this. I know what it takes and yet I can’t seem to be able to knuckle down to it… All I ever do is talk about it. It’s really quite frustrating – I need to get real and I need some serious kick in my butt! I will NEVER get to goal if I keep on doing (or not doing) what I do. What could I do to overcome those hurdles? What do YOU do when the going gets tough and those biscuits just seem more alluring than reaching goal weight?

I’m confused. I should stop thinking and talking about all that and just do it. If only it weren’t that hard… Oh right. And I should stop neglecting my blog just because I’m embarrassed by my lack of committment.

You’re welcome to tell me off and kick my butt. :)

up and down

2006-09-06T14:36:00.000+01:00

I’m back once again. Just as I was getting back to blogging I had to go away for work…There was an internet station but it was rather expensive and not very private, standing in the middle of the entrance hall of the place where I stayed… I really didn’t want to look at my blog, let alone write a post while everyone was able to look over my shoulder!

Now that I’m home again I’m slowly trying to catch up with you all. Crikey, it does take a lot of time to do so! The most assidious ones of you have posted 30 – 55 times while I was on my summer break… So please bear with me if I don’t comment much in your blogs right now. I’m busy reading! :)

I also went to my WW meeting this morning. It has been the first time in a few weeks… I’m such a slacker! You can clearly see it when you look at my stats in the sidebar. The month of August wasn’t exactly a successful one weight wise… September will be better though! I’m still going strong in the exercise department and I’m slowly crawling back onto the WW horse. I’m sure I’ll see awesome results very soon if I get my points intake straight. I’ve got to tighten the reins, but I’m trying hard not to put too much pressure on myself. I’m not going down that road again… :)

Ok, I’m off to read your blogs now. Stay tuned, there’s more to come. I’m all excited to come back here more often again!

Take care

long time no see...

2006-08-24T07:45:00.000+01:00

Finally. I’m back with a proper post! First of all a HUGE Thank you to everyone who kept coming back and left comments even though I was a complete bore and you had to see the same old post for over a month… It means a lot to me and I’m actually quite touched that you didn’t just forget me. Because you know, I was afraid that you would not come back after a while, that you’d just write me off as another one who failed, both with losing weight and keeping my blog up to date… Out of sight, out of mind. But you stuck around, showing that you care and that you’re not giving up on me at the drop of a hat. Just like true friends. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I needed a break. I was stuck in a rut – not being able to eat and drink whatever I like and yet not seeing instant results frustrated me no ends. Social events such as BBQ parties were getting tedious, figuring out the points of everything and constantly adding them up in my head was starting to wear me down… I wanted to enjoy myself without a care in the world – just like everyone else around me did! So that’s what I did. I stopped counting points, I stopped updating my blog and took some time off. No worries about food, no scale, no pressure.

The resolution to lose as much weight as possible until the boy gets back might have been the last straw that broke the camels back (or in this case mine…). It was too much pressure. And if I know one thing, it’s that pressure doesn’t go down well with me. I can’t handle it. Too much pressure tends to bring out the rebel in me, and usually it results in me doing the opposite of what I should…

So I took all the pressure off and allowed myself a break from everything. And guess what? I didn’t do too badly. Well, of course I could have done much better – there have been some appalling food choices in the last few weeks… But on the whole, considering I didn’t count a single point and gave myself the green light for whatever I felt like having, I’m quite ok. I haven’t lost all that much, but I haven’t gained either – and I’m happy with that. I guess that’s mostly because I really excelled in the exercise department. You might remember that I joined a local gym right after I dropped the boy at the airport and that was probably one of the best things I did in a while! Although I had a break from WW and points, I religiously went to the gym almost every day. I’m sure this has offset some of the damage I might have done with my eating… There’s no difference on the scale, but I feel more in control and in harmony with my body. It feels great.

Now I’m ready to commit myself to the WW programme again. I’m going to start off slowly and building it up again as I go. There’s a street fair in our village next weekend, which is always a big party. So umm, I already know that most likely there will be quite a bit of booze involved… I’m not going to be teetotal, but I’ll try to drink in moderation and count my points. And if I drink too much – so be it. There’s always a next day to start afresh, isn’t there?

So, that is more or less what I’ve been up to since my last post. Of course there’s lots more to tell, but you know, it’s impossible to sum up a whole month in one single post… So that’s just the nitty-gritty of it.
Oh, the boy is back by the way – thank goodness! I’m very happy to have him back and although I wasn’t quite the stunner I hoped for he was quite happy to see me too… ;)

And last but not least, thanks to everyone who wished me luck last Monday! It obviously worked, I had a great day! I started working at a new place and was terribly nervous, but everything went well. I might tell you more of it later, but now I guess it’s time to come to an end with this post…

After being absent from blogland for so long, I have quite a bit of catching-up to do! Off I go to read what you’ve been up to… :)

Love ya

lucky day?

2006-08-21T09:35:00.000+01:00

Wish me luck! I think I need it today...

Thanks for all who kept visiting my blog and checking up on me. It means a lot. I have missed you too and I'll be back soon. That's a promise! :)

my motivation is back!

2006-07-24T11:35:00.001+01:00

After dropping off the boy at the airport and shedding a few tears after saying goodbye, I went back home on Friday and decided that the next few weeks are a PERFECT time to focus on losing a bit of my excess baggage. In fact, I want to lose not only a little bit but as much as possible! Don’t worry, I’m not aiming for an unrealistic and unhealthy loss and I’m definitely not going to starve myself until the boy is back like I would have done in the old times. I know that I need to eat my points and that my metabolism just slows down and holds on to the lard if I don’t. And I’m fully aware that there’s only so much I can lose within the next four weeks. It’s just that I want to give it my best and make the most of the time I’ve got for myself and lose as much as possible.

I want to look my best and feel good and confident about myself when he comes back in August! I know that I won’t be able to keep my hands off him and I would love to know that it’ll be the same for him… *wink*
I know he loves and misses me and I’m sure he’ll be happy to be back anyway, no matter how much I weigh, but it’ll be a nice surprise for him nonetheless. He always says that he loves me even more when I’m on the losing streak – not necessarily because of how my body looks (although I'm sure he does appreciate having a slimmer girlfriend) , but mostly because I’m a much happier and more confident person. And he’s right. Only a few kilos already make a huge difference – not in how I look but in how I feel. After a few good OP days I already feel better about myself, I smile and laugh more, I’m more upbeat and I have a more postivie outlook on life in general. It feels great to nourish your body with healthy food, to move and have those endorphines flowing, and to know that your doing something good for yourself! (Writing this I really wonder why the hell I ever fell of the wagon… Why do I stop being on program when obviously I feel so much better with it? If only I knew…)

Anyway. So I came home on Friday, right after lunch and decided that in order to lose as much as possible within the next month I need to come up with a plan. The first step of course is to try and stay within my points allowance. This is going surprisingly well so far. I guess the hot hot HOT weather is helping here – with the current temperatures it’s easy for me to not eat much. Often when I’m hungry a salad or some small snack is enough, and since I’m on my own and don’t have to cook for somebody else I can have whatever I want at whatever time I want. Nice. Secondly, I have finally upped my water intake again. Drinking enough is still one of my weak points, but I’ve started to pay attention to it again. And it can make a whole lot of a difference with my eating as well – I’ve come to realise that often when I feel like snacking on something, I’m actually just thirsty. I’ve got no idea why my pea brain doesn’t get that message… :)
Oh and thirdly there’s exercise of course! I think that this is an area I really need to focus on, because it’ll definitely increase the likeliness of a big loss. So upon coming home from the airport I called the local fitness centre right away – before my courage was on the wane and I could think twice about it… I’ve never been the type of girl who enjoys working out in a fitness centre so far – I’d rather go on a bike ride outside than pedalling my @ss off in front of a wall - but I thought I would give it a try and go for one month. Luckily they have a summer special, and now I can go two months for the price of one… I went there on Saturday morning. I was quite nervous and afraid that there would only be those super skinny and fit people (including staff) in their fancy workout clothes who would smugly look down on me… But I needn’t have worried – Suzy who put together my program and showed me the ropes was wonderful, very kind and very encouraging and not once did I feel like I didn’t belong there because I was too fat or too unfit. I’ve actually had a lot of fun with her and I’m very glad I went! So I’ll be doing strength training twice or three times a week and between those days I’ll go on the crosstrainer or hop on the bike. It’s also quite cool that you can watch TV while working out on those two machines! We don’t have a TV at home, so now I can catch some cool series and work out at the same time.
Oh yeah, and apart from the fitness centre I will still be doing my laps at the pool which is GREAT in this heat. I might even take my bike on a ride from time to time, but we’ll see about that… I probably shouldn’t do too much, otherwise I might run out of steam too soon.

So, as you can see I’m super motivated! Hopefully all my efforts will also show on the scales. Next weigh in will be Wednesday, so keep your fingers crossed for me… :)

PS: It feels good to be back on the horse and it’s also good to be back in blogland!

a long overdue post

2006-07-23T12:18:00.000+01:00

I can’t think straight. I’ve attempted to update this blog several times but all I can ever think of is the boy and how much I miss him… He left on Friday to go and work for his boss’s brother in Canada who’s up to his eyeballs and desperately needed help. Now I’m sitting here, already missing him like crazy and having to wait a whole freaking month until I see him again… And it’s not like Canada is just around the corner and I can go and visit!
I have to admit that accompanying him had crossed my mind briefly but a quick glance at the travel costs put paid to my reverie. It would have been nice though, especially because I think that some of you Canadian blogettes are not too far away from where he is right now… Or maybe you are and I’m just underestimating distances between places… :)
Whatever - it doesn’t really matter since I can’t quite afford it anyway.

Now that I’m left to my own devices I really need to focus on my goals! When the boy is not around I either fall off the wagon completely or I do extra good. And believe me, I’m going to give everything that’ll be the latter this time! I know I can do this and I will. I believe there’s a positive side to everything and as much as I miss him, part of me thinks this is a great opportunity to really buckle down and make myself a priority. It’s a good thing that I’m off work too – that way I’ve got plenty of time to do so. No more lame excuses!

As you might have noticed (or not) I gave up on my 100 day challenge… I’m full of admiration for all those who are still going strong on theirs! I really think it’s a great idea to attempt to stay on program for as many days as possible and I’m sure those of you 100 day challengers will see great results. However, it seems like I was a tad overwhelmed by it all… 100 days is a long time and it depressed me no end that I could not have more than five or six good days in a row. When I fell off, the whole „screw-it-I’ve-blown it already“ attitude kicked in and I lost it completely… And it’s never a good thing when that happens because it’s so bloody hard to snap out of it again.
I thought long and hard about what kind of other challenge would suit me better. I considered joining Nicole’s because I always liked the idea of a group of like-minded people doing it together and supporting and motivating each other throughout the challenge. But then I realised something… I don’t need another challenge. I already have the keys to become a successful loser – I know my points, I know what and how much I should eat, I know I should exercise and I know what kind of exercise I like doing… I’ve got all the knowledge, now I just need to act accordingly! It always comes down to the same simple fact that I need to eat healthier, get a grip on portion sizes and exercise more. So I decided that I was not going to wrap it all up into a fancy new challenge because it would not change anything about the fact that I will only be successful if I follow the rules. It wasn’t the challenge that didn’t work for me, it was the fact that I didn’t give it my best.

So this is going to change! I’ve been meandering around aimlessly for too long now, and my half-hearted attempts are not going to get me anywhere… I will now focus on my goal and JUST DO IT. Back to the basics.

I do have a plan and I’ll let you in on what I’m going to do to reach my goal or at least get closer to it. I’m sure updating my blog more regularly again will also help me to stay focused and I’m really looking forward to catching up with you all soon! Sorry that I’ve neglected this blog for so long and that I haven’t commented much on yours… I’ll do better, I promise! :)

Have a great weekend! Talk to you soon…

woohoo carrots!

2006-07-12T12:06:00.000+01:00

I actually intended to not come back here until the weekend because I'm so busy, but I just couldn't pass up the chance to tell you this... I went to the meeting this morning and the scale showed a loss of 0.5 kg / 1 lbs for last week! Woohoo!

It might not sound like an awful lot but for me, it's quite a success to lose that amount and I couldn't be happier about it. I've lost two weeks in a row now and although I haven't been OP every day I can safely say that I'm on the right track again. I'm determined to make this summer a good summer weight wise! I'll tell you all about my plans soon... Gotta run now.

Have a great week everyone! I'm so looking forward to having time off and being able to blog more often...

apologies...

2006-07-11T06:25:00.000+01:00

Oh. My. God. I can't believe it's been a week already since I last updated... Where does the time go???

I'm not doing too bad at the moment. Not great, and by no means perfect - but I'm ok with that. Work is crazily busy right now and as always when I'm a bit stressed at work I find I can't quite concentrate enough on a healthy way of living. It's easy to fall back into old habits!

However, the good news is I only have to work until Thursday and then I'm off for the summer. Woohooo! And I'm full of motivation to make that summer MY summer. So until then, bear with me and my absence from blogland...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm still around, I've been a silent reader to most of your blogs but haven't left comments... Sorry for that. I'll be back soon!

where has all the motivation gone?

2006-07-03T07:27:00.000+01:00

I'm having a hard time getting back on track. Every morning I'm full of the best intentions to have a perfectly OP day. And every day I screw it up. Why can't I get back into the swing properly? What happened to my motivation?

I've become a complete slacker! With just about everything. I've been eating like a horse, I've neglected my blog, my flat looks like a bomb went off in here...
I really need to get a grip. Sorry for the lack of updates, I promise to catch up soon.

life begins at 30...

2006-06-28T12:10:00.000+01:00

... or so they say. I always found that a rather stupid thing to say. I felt very much alive being in my 20’s and couldn’t understand that someone would wait to live their life until they’d reach a certain age. I figured it was something they say to make themselves feel better at being so old already… :)

So how do I feel now that I’ve turned 30 as well? Do I feel old? Am I looking for wrinkles when I look at myself in the mirror? The answer to these questions is NO. No, I don’t feel old. In fact, I sometimes don’t even feel like a proper grown-up yet… As for the wrinkles – I don’t care if there are any. Hey, I have finally reached an age where I can take looking younger than I am as a compliment. People have always thought I looked younger than I actually am, and it used to drive me crazy that I had to show my ID whenever I wanted to buy or drink an alcoholic beverage or go to a bar/club… And when the boy and I became an item his mother wasn’t too happy at first because she thought he was dating someone under age and could be getting into trouble! So no, I don’t worry about any wrinkles.

However, the thought that life begins at 30 isn’t so alien to me anymore… Not that I haven’t lived before – because believe me, I have. And I usually don’t care all that much about my birthday and about what particular age I am… But something about turning 30 was special. Not that anything extraordinary happened last Thursday. I’m still the same person – I look the same, I feel the same. And yet something is different. Turning 30 has felt like turning a page in my book of life. Kind of like one chapter is closed but at the same time a new one is opened and I find myself sitting in front of a blank page. I feel like I can start again with a clean slate. And this I’m going to do!

I have thought long and hard about what I would like this blank page to fill with… What do I want from life? What are my dreams and my goals for the near future? Where do I want to be this time next year? I tend to pursue too many goals at once which usually results in running around like a headless chicken and not reaching any… So here comes my list with just the most important goals I’m going to focus on. The list could be endless, but there’s only so much a girl can handle at the same time… :)

# 1
I will lose weight. As of today I’m going to give it my best! I’m still 23 kg / 51 lbs away from my goal weight, but I’m going to work hard in order to reach it. I know there will be times when I fall, but I will get again up every time and keep at it until I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.

# 2
I’m going to stop talking about my dreams but work for them to become reality. This means that I need to work (= earn) more and curb my spendings to a minimum… We want to save up enough money to go travelling again. We had the time of lives when we were globetrotting around the world a few years back! And we so want to do this again, pack up our bags and leave… And we will.

# 3
Tie the knot. Yes, you read that right. We are going to get married, most probably next year. I promised to myself that I will be as close to my goal weight as possible. I know this is going to be a very very special day and I want to enjoy it to the fullest, without worrying about how I look or having to suck in my stomach the whole day… We’re not going to tell anyone yet though – you’re the only ones who know. :)

That’s it with my list of goals for now. I’d have a lot more to say, but hey, I don’t want to bore you to tears… haha!

As you might have noted, I have renamed my blog. Countdown to 30 just wasn’t appropriate anymore and instead of just changing the number (i.e. naming it Countdown to 31) I decided that it was time for a new title. I have changed my focus onto becoming the best me I can be. I still want to reach my goal and be healthy and fit and slim and svelte, but I won’t put unneeded pressure on myself by setting a time limit.

It doesn’t matter how long it’ll take I just want to lose those extra pounds ONCE AND FOR ALL.

first post in my 30's

2006-06-27T07:48:00.000+01:00

Thank you all so much for the Happy Birthday wishes! I had a lovely day and a great weekend! I'm going to tell you all about it when I have enough time... I'm so busy right now, it's not funny. However, I just wanted to let you know, that I'm still alive and I feel GREAT being 30 now! Seriously.

I will try and update very soon. My blog needs a new name, I need to update my sidebar, I've got photos to share and lots and lots of things to write about... More on all that later. Basically I just wanted to do a new post, because the old one is just that - old. And its title is so not true anymore... :)

my last night in the 20's

2006-06-21T20:33:00.000+01:00

Sorry I'm a bit slack at the moment with updating my blog... It's just that I'm so incredibly busy right now with all the preparations for the big birthday party which will be held this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it!

My parents are going to take me out for pizza tomorrow... Yummy! Just a quiet and nice evening with the boy and my family. I'm not quite sure if I'll be able to stay within points, but you know what? It's my birthday and frankly, I don't care! I'm turning 30 only once and I'm going to enjoy it.

You know there's so much else I wanted to tell you... I've had my official weigh this morning and I have lost 0.8 kg / 1.7 lbs. I'm very happy about that - especially because I only managed four OP days. The next few days are going to be challenging with the pizza-night tomorrow and the big party at the weekend, and I'm going to take it easy.

I found a new name for my blog! (Well I had to, right?) And I'm still working on that list of goals. I will post all that when I'll have more time, which will be soon hopefully...

Right now I really need to go to sleep, I'm absolutely knackered. Good night John-boy! Good night everyone!

work in progress

2006-06-20T07:57:00.000+01:00

I’m still here and I’m feeling good. It has been quite liberating to have the time pressure taken off of me! I guess I should have done that a lot earlier. This way it doesn’t feel like some sort of duty, like an assignement I have to hand in at a certain date… After all, I’m not looking for a quick fix! I want this to last! (Talking about the weight loss here of course, not the rut I’m stuck in right now…)

I’m still working on that list of goals and reasons why I want to lose weight. And yes, I will post it here for all to see. It’ll help me stay accountable and make those goals more real. Stay tuned…

As you can see in my sidebar I haven’t been doing all too well in my first week of the challenge. I started off quite well, but only until the weekend that is… We were invited to a friend’s birthday party and I – once again – couldn’t restrain myself from eating too much. At least the boy and I burned off some of the calories by playing soccer with the kids… Oh well, live and learn. Except that I obviously didn’t learn a single thing, because the next day when we had our usual family dinner at my parents’ house I lost every ounce of control again… My brother didn’t come although he said he would and because there was so much food (which he would have eaten had he been there) I just kept on stuffing my gob. Until I was almost sick to the stomach. Umm, yeah… I haven’t learned that much obviously.

So, I have to try real hard today to stay OP. I would like to finish this week with five days OP rather than only four… Wish me luck!

turning point

2006-06-16T11:12:00.000+01:00

Thanks for the lovely comments, they all put a smile on my face! You know, I really do NOT have a problem with turning thirty. Honestly. After all, I’ve been in my 30’s one year already as Lee-Anne so kindly pointed out… :)

So it’s not my age that I got a problem with but my weight. I’m not overly happy to be still where I am now – too close to the weight I started at a bit more than a year ago and too far from goal. So it’s time to buckle down and do something about it! I’m not going to set myself a new time limit though. I wanted to reach goal by my 30th birthday so much (but apparently not enough) and falling short of that is kind of disappointing… So from now on it’ll take as long as it does. It is no longer important when I reach my goal as long as I do. No pressure of time anymore! I’ll just try to give my best day by day and we'll see where that gets me…

You know, turning 30 for me is like New Year… Time to sit down and have a good look at my life. Time to set priorities and make new resolutions. Like I said before, I don’t have a problem with getting older and I don’t feel like my time is running out or anything… But this birthday is a special one and it makes me realise that I’ve got to make the best of this life I have and live it to its fullest. When I was 20 I felt like my whole life still lay before me, like I could live for the moment without caring about the future… I guess I did so most of the time, yet I didn’t always make the best choices and put things off until „later“ thinking that I still had plenty of time. But you know, I’ve come to realise that there are things I actually have to work for if I want them to happen – they do not just fall in place after I ignored them for a while. And I have to work for my dreams to become reality NOW. (Gosh… Why has it taken me 30 years to figure that one out?)

So in the next few days I’m going to think hard about what is really important for me and in which direction I want my life to head. I might come up with a list of goals I want to work on just because I love making lists. (Yes, I know I am a geek.) And I shall also think about why I am on this journey of losing weight. Hopefully that’ll help me refocus on my goal.

I’ve been OP for two days now which is a good start. (Ok, I was 1.5 points over yesterday but I’m going to count that as an OP day because I fully intend to make up for it today…) I’m still lacking motivation at the exercise front, so anyone who would like to nudge me in the right direction (or kick my @ss…) is welcome to do so! Maybe that would make me go for walk or a swim or a bike ride or whatever. I’ve been very lazy lately and I really need to get moving again! I’m sure it would help kickstart my weight loss again. Why does KNOWING something not automatically make you act accordingly?

Kisses to everyone!

a journey of thousand miles begins with one small step...

2006-06-15T07:24:00.000+01:00

Weigh in yesterday wasn’t pretty. I mean, I knew it wasn’t going to be good but I hadn’t quite wrapped my head around the fact that I would see such a HUGE gain. We’re not talking about being up just a bit… I gained 2.4 kg / 5.3 lbs!!! Blimey… How could that happen in just such a short time? It has taken me a bloody long time to lose that weight in the first place and now I’ll have to do it all over again... Aarrghh!
Yeah, I know I know… I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get back on the horse and move on. That’s the sort of advice I would leave in your blogs when you are struggling. And it isn’t just a hollow phrase either - it’s the best thing one can do in this situation! So here I go. I adjusted my stats in the sidebar (no point in denying and lying to myself!) and I’m going to work hard to come out even at the end of June. I’m going to work off that gain! That’ll be my goal for this month and should I even manage to pull off a bigger loss I’ll be one happy girl!

Speaking of June… Oh my goodness! I’m turning 30 NEXT WEEK ALREADY! My birthday is on June 22nd and I’ll be OLD! Just kidding… :) I don’t have a problem with getting older and by no means do I want to offend anyone older than me. However, I might just have a slight problem with the fact that I’ll be turning 30 and STILL be the fat girl! Ahem… ever noticed my blog title? I guess I’ll have to find a new one, huh?

You know, I really wanted to reach my goal by my 30th birthday and start this new decade in my life at a healthy weight. And look at me now. I’m not even close to goal… It’s at times like this that I wonder wether I will EVER get there. Is there any point in trying? Am I destined to be fat forever? I know I will never find out if I don’t keep trying. I won’t give up!

I’ve come across so many blogs of people who actually made it, who are living proof that everthing is possible if you just want it enough and work hard enough for it. It’s those stories and the support from all of you that keeps me going! Thanks for sharing your journey and being part of mine!

when will I ever learn?

2006-06-13T23:05:00.000+01:00

I’m just popping in to let you all know that I’m still alive… I’ve avoided my blog since I returned last Friday simply because I’ve fallen off the wagon once more. Last week has been a major challenge for me and I failed miserably. I’ve been away for work and didn’t really have much choice in the food, since all meals were provided. They were quite appalling point wise – prepared with lots and lots of fat and not nearly enough veggies… Aarrghh! Staying on programme was nigh on impossible. Then again, I guess eating all that crap (read lots of cake, mars bars and chocolate) in between those unhealthy meals didn’t help either…

Although it didn’t come as a surprise, I was quite shocked when I stepped on the scale and it stopped at a number I have last seen in January… Of course I knew eating whatever I felt like and forgetting all about points and such wasn’t good for me! But I successfully ignored those nagging thoughts and somehow managed to convince myself that it wouldn’t hurt to slacken the reins for a while… Talk about denial! So I guess being confronted with such a ridiculous number on the scale just serves me right, huh? How many times do I have to get through this? Why do I have to keep losing the same kilos again and again? I know there’s no point in crying over spilt milk and it doesn’t help if I beat myself up over it now. But I just can’t help it right now… I feel like I’m back at square one. My pants are snug again, I keep tugging at my shirts because it feels like they accentuate every roll of my massive belly. I just feel fat and disgusting all over. UGH. I feel so ashamed I could cry.

It’s time to face the scale gods tomorrow. Lovely. I hate to go the WW meeting, but that’s what I got to do. Face up to the music and move on from there. I’ve eaten so much crap in the past few days that I’m actually looking forward to getting back on track again. I’m going to attempt another 100 day challenge, my last one. Wish me luck!

On to happier news… WELCOME TO THE WORLD, TOBY AND NATALIA RAINE! I find it quite amazing how I can get so excited about babies born on the other side of this planet… But I just can’t help it! I’m giddy with delight about this wonderful news and I’m very happy for their families! My best wishes to you, Kellee and Kate!

quick update

2006-06-06T03:45:00.000+01:00

This is going to be a really short post, because I've got lots and lots of stuff to do before leaving today... I'll be away another week. Not for a holiday though unfortunately, this time it's for work. I could take my laptop with me, but there's no point in that because I won't be able to get online anyway... So that means another week without updating my blog and reading yours. Bummer!

On another note, I haven't been able to get back into the swing of things at all and there wasn't even one single OP day last week... I don't think next week will be much better what with me being away and not really able to choose my meals. You might have noticed that I haven't updated the 100 day challenge in my sidebar so far, and let me just say that I don't want it to look so bad after just having started... So I gather I might just start over once again (that'll be the last time - I promise!) when I come back next week.

I'd have so much to write, real exciting news too, but I just don't have the time right now... Just one last thing though. Today my boy is turning 30, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST BOY EVER! I guess at 30 he's not really a boy anymore, huh? Maybe I should start calling him MAN... :)

Have a wonderful week everyone! I'm looking forward to reading your blogs once I get back. Guess the first one's I'll check will be Katypie's and Kellee's, because it might be any moment their babies decide to meet the world... BEST OF LUCK FOR YOU TWO!

On that note, I'm off...

back with a new 100 day challenge

2006-06-01T08:04:00.000+01:00

Sweden was great! It’s always so hard to recap a whole week and summarise it into one little post, so I won’t even think of trying that… One week is not nearly enough for visiting such a beautiful country of course, and I’m sure we will go back someday to see more. The reason we went there in the first place, was to see the games of our National Team at the Floorball World Championship. The boy plays floorball himself and is quite passionate about his sport, so he got tickets very early this year intending to attend the games with a friend. But since nobody of his team could take time off work, I agreed to go with him instead. I honestly thought I’d be bored at the games and even took a book with me so that I could read instead, but I got sucked in almost more than the boy… :)

And it felt really good to be on the road again – sleeping in our sleeping bags, cooking on the stove and eating out of our dented outdoor cookware… It might sound a bit strange and I can’t really explain how that makes us feel so good. A few years back we travelled the world for about 10 months, and it seriously was the best time of our lives! We quit our jobs, moved out of our flat and stored the few things we had in the barn of the boy’s parents who still had their farm then. We lived out of our backpacks for the whole time and couldn’t have been happier about it. We’ve missed that ultimate feeling of total freedom ever since and grab every little opportunity to have a tiny bit of it back…
It was the first time we slept in our car too. Our „pearl“ as we call her… :) We got her for free from the boy’s sister in law. She’s a florist and had her own shop, but sold it when her second daughter was born last year. The car she needed to transport the flowers in is very old and quite rusty too, but because you’ve got to pay to dispose of a car, she gave it to us instead. The boy then built some sort of bed with an integrated table to put in the back of the car, so now we have our own camper to sleep in. Cool, isn’t it?

We have’t seen much of Sweden though. Apart from watching the games, we haven’t had much time to do other things and we didn’t want to rush and stress ourselves with a tight sightseeing schedule.

In fact, I didn’t stress myself at all. Not even with counting points. Yes, I know I resolved to not let that holiday get me get off programme, but what can I say… I quite soon forgot about my resolutions completely and ate whatever I felt like. The good thing is that I often felt like having an apple or a banana. But yeah, having whatever I felt like also included meals at McDonalds and other not so healthy choices… I haven’t put on too much though, probably thanks to all the walking around we did. (And I’m refusing to adjust my stats to the gain… I will give it my best to lose it again as quickly as possible!)

I’ve been back for 3 days now and just needed some time to adjust to being home again. Now I feel ready to start afresh and take on a new challenge! I’ve lost track on my old 100 day challenge completely and with the past week of being off programme it isn’t worth to keep on going anyway… So as of today - how convenient this is also the beginning of a new month –
I’m back on programme again!

The rules to my new 100 day challenge are the following… It starts today and ends on September 8th. I will do my best to stay OP on ALL of those days until then, but should I stray off programme I will not beat myself up about it but instead just extend the challenge for as many days I’ve been off programme. Piece of cake, right?

I’m off to pop by your blogs now. So much reading and commenting to do… ;)

HOLIDAY!!!

2006-05-19T22:53:00.000+01:00

Yes, you read that right – I’m going on holidays!!! Wohoooo! It was a VERY spontaneous decision, so I was super busy with preparations all day today. We’re leaving tomorrow for Sweden and I’m quite excited. I love travelling. We’ll be away for approximately one week, so I won’t be around for a while. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the time to catch up on all of you, but I’ll probably have a lot to read anyway when I come back at the end of May…

I haven’t heard back from the job interview yet, but I made sure I will be around when they call, which is at the beginning of June. I’ll let you know then…
As for the 100 day challenge, I have not yet decided what to do. Most of you have advised me to keep on going, but I’m just not sure yet. Of course I know that I will never be able to do 100 OP days straight anyway, that’s just not realistic. But I would like to have a better start at least… Today has been an awfully OFF programme day! Lots and lots of food… Oh well, tomorrow I’ll be back on the horse! I will do my best not to veer off the path too much. This spontaneous trip does mean that I’ll miss my weigh in next Wednesday, so I don’t quite have to worry about it. However, I want to see a decent loss the week after, so I will be good.

I WILL NOT LET THE HOLIDAY INTERFERE WITH MY WEIGHT LOSS GOALS!

So my lovely ladies (and men? Got no idea if there are any men out there reading my ramblings…), I wish you all a wonderful week! Take care and have a great time and be good to yourselves! Reading your blogs is actually something to look forward to when I get back from Sweden… :)

stars in my eyes...

2006-05-17T22:10:00.000+01:00

Day 15 /100

Thank you all a thousand times for the well wishes! It’s quite touching to think that I was sitting there in the job interview, knowing that people in various parts of the world were keeping their fingers crossed for me. Isn’t this little community just great? I definitely think so and I’m very happy to be part of it, to have had the chance to “meet” you all. Although I haven’t met anyone in real, you’ve become an important part of my life. There are many little things in my days that make me think of you. Just today, when I was sitting in my WW meeting and our leader wanted to know who were an important supporter and motivator on our journey, I thought of you! Because it’s true, I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for you. I really heart you guys!

The job interview went down quite well, by the way. I didn’t give them the best answer to every question (they only sprang to my mind on my way home…), but I think on the whole I made a good impression and I left with a positive feeling. I can only hope for the best now, I’ll hear in the next few days if they consider me worth a try. If so, I’ll have to be in for a second interview, because they’re actually hiring a team of two people and want them to meet before they make a definite decision. So for now I can just wait and see…

I’m glad the great nervousness is over though, because I haven’t quite managed to stay away from the fridge like I intended… Actually it wasn’t that bad before the interview, but the fact that it was my father’s birthday yesterday and we therefore had a family dinner didn’t really help.

So with that, my last WW week looked like this – five days perfectly OP, the last two days not so much… I guess I’ll have to rethink my 100 day challenge, huh? I mean, I don’t really want to quit, but I wonder if it makes sense to carry on with it if out of those 15 days I’ve only had like 9 OP days… What would you do? Start over at day 1 again? Or just carry on and then extend the challenge for the days I’ve been off programme?

The good news though is that I had a very good weigh in this morning! I have apparently lost more than I expected and I couldn’t be happier about it. It might have been even more, had I not eaten such a huge dinner last night. Oh well. I still got my second star sticker today! Yay! It has taken me a bloody long time to reach that mini goal… But I’m here now, and I’m determined and motivated to get even further (down that is)! I can do it and I will!

on the go

2006-05-16T07:21:00.000+01:00

I haven't been all that good yesterday... But more on that later! I'll try to make up for it today as good as I can though. Which might be a tad difficult, because I'm so nervous right now and I usually turn to food in order to steady my nerves... Ah well, not this time!

I've got a job interview lined up for today, right after lunch, and I really really would like to get that job. Hence the great nervousness. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'll be back later, gotta go now...

day 13/100 and still going strong

2006-05-15T09:05:00.000+01:00

Hi there… Hope everyone had a great weekend! I sure enjoyed mine. It’s been nice outside most of the time during the past few days, it only rained in the evenings. One wouldn’t believe what difference the weather can make… I feel so much better and more energetic when the sun is out! I sympathise with those of you who live in a place where winter is just around the corner. (I'm sending some sunshine your way!) Don’t get me wrong, I love winter with its cold temperature, snow and cosy nights in! But as much as I like it, summer is definitely more conducive to my weight loss. Summer for me means enjoying the sunshine, being active and full of energy and eating lots of fruit and salads… If that doesn’t help me drop the lard I don’t know what will. :)

So yeah, life is good for me at the moment. I did go a bit crazy at the BBQ Friday night, where I consumed way too many points… I knew it was to be expected – I always eat too much when I’m with my family. Why that is, I don’t know. Haven’t figured that one out yet… However, everything is fine because I made up for the lost points yesterday. I worked my butt off! We went on a bike ride for 2 hours, up and down some hills and through some very muddy sections in a cow paddock where we had to carry our bikes, and then up and down some more. I was absolutely spent when we were done, but it was so much fun! I’m so lucky to have my boyfriend who is able to talk me into exercising when I’m lazy and then push me into doing some more when I think I’m exhausted and can’t do any more. I gather this must make him seem like someone cruel and dislikable, like he’s some kind of drill sereant who likes his woman slim and fit only… Let me assure you, he is not that kind of guy! He makes me go to my limits in a very encouraging, supportive and somewhat cunning way, because most of the time I don’t even realise he’s pushing me.
After the ride we took a shower, had a very light dinner with a grilled chicken breast and some salads and then met my mother and my sister for a walk. Yay! I sure got some good AP's in yesterday.

So, after gaining each day the first half of my WW week despite doing everything right, I’m now back at last Wednesdays weight. Phew! I was beginning to worry. Now, with a bit of luck (and hard work!) I might see a loss at the next official weigh in on Wednesday. Wish me luck.

flying high

2006-05-12T13:21:00.000+01:00

I’m just quickly checking in to let you know how I’m doing… I’ve had another perfectly OP day yesterday. Yay! In fact, I even was one point short of the daily minimum. I know I have to eat my points in order to lose, and usually I don’t have any problems doing so… So fear not, not eating enough points is not going to become a habit! I could have had a little treat, but it was already after 9pm when I came back from a brisk walk, and I didn’t want to fall short of my 8pm food curfew… So, after just two days into the new WW week I have already 9 points in the bank. That’s good because it means that I can go a bit more relaxed into the weekend when it’s always a bit harder to stick to my allotted points. Bring on the weekend!

The annoying thing is that since Wednesday I seem to have gained both days although being angelic food wise and getting all my water in and then some. But I don’t let this deter me from keeping on. I know I’m doing it right and it will show on the scale eventually. Maybe it just shows that I shouldn’t step on the darn thing every day and stop obsessing over the numbers. (Easier said than done though…)

This morning I went shopping for seedlings and other garden supplies with my mother and my sister. My parents are growing their own veggies, which I think is really nice. My sister and I both live in a flat with no garden, but we bought some fresh herbs to put on our window sills and we will be growing our own cherry tomatoes and yellow peppers in the flat! I love plants, and I figured that instead of having some decorative indoor plant I might as well have a tomato plant…
After that, we had lunch together and what can I say… I just couldn’t resist dessert. Right after posting this I’m going to add up my points though, so everything will be fine. Tonight will be BBQ at my parent’s. I absolutely MUST show some restraint there! That’s always so hard with Mum’s cooking… But I will be strong!

Until then, there’s lots of work to do. I have to clean the flat, do the laundry, make some important phone calls I have been putting off forever, put the herbs in new crocks and if possible squeeze some sort of exercise in there too… I guess I could do with turning into a “work tornado” like Jennifer. I would actually quite like that – being a work tornado and getting things done I’ve been meant to do a long time already! But being the slacker that I am I do need a serious boost of energy until I’m anywhere near being a tornado… :)
It’s a gorgeous day outside! And I basically don’t want to do anything apart from sitting outside and enjoy the sun… My sister and my brother have a huge balcony from where you can overlook the heart of our village and she lives very close to me. She has to work this afternoon but she left me her key. I’ve got all my herbs there, so I’ll do the planting on the balcony. Nice. The prospect of being outside in the sun should be enough to make me buckle down now and get all the other things done as soon as possible.

As for the exercise… I don’t know if there will still be enough time for that. We will go for our walk tonight, but that’s only for about 50 minutes and since I usually go with my mother and my sister it’s quite a leisurely affair. I would love to get a “real” workout in, some sort of exhausting exercise that makes me sweat and feeling sore the day after…
The bad thing is that from today on the indoor pool will be closed, because they’re rebuilding something. There’s an outdoor pool nearby and I vowed to keep swimming regularly. I boasted to my boyfriend that I would go as soon as the outdoor pool opened for the summer… Umm, yeah… I didn’t quite expect it to open NOW. I mean, it’s about 20°C right now and the water temperature is maybe as high as 15°C… That’s freezing! You may call me a wuss, but I don’t think I’m going for a swim today…

Anyway, I must think “work tornado” now!

full steam ahead!

2006-05-10T21:53:00.000+01:00

Day 8 of 100

Wednesday again – time for an update! I finally summoned up the courage to face the “official” scale and went to my meeting this morning. I had given the meeting a miss for two weeks in a row, so I felt really good to be back. Oh, and of course I felt GREAT upon seeing that the scale showed exactly the same numbers like last time. This is good news because I know I haven’t been at my best behaviour those two weeks, and have in fact gained a little which obviously I lost again. Good times.

I liked today’s topic which was basically about how we are all in different stages of our lives and yet we all have one thing in common – the desire to lose weight and become a fit and healthy person. Our leader encouraged us to explain to the others what stage of life we are in and how it affects our weight loss journey. I thought it was a nice way to get to know the other members a bit, learn what their difficulties and stumbling blocks are and how they are dealing with them. It made me realise yet again that we all are struggling once in a while. Even members who are very successful and get fantastic results in seemingly no time at all are confronted with challenging situations. Their life isn’t perfect either. It’s how they handle those situations what makes them successful. They are not blaming on external circumstances like I tend to but instead are taking responsibility for their actions. I’m making excuses all the time, when actually I am the only one to blame. I do have a choice. Whether I go for a walk or do the laundry, whether I have an apple or an ice cream… It’s entirely up to me! Nobody ever said that after a stressful day at work I had to stuff my face with everything in sight. Yet that’s what I did for such a long time, feeling downright compelled to act that way and telling myself that it was the situation that made me fall off the wagon again. But hey, I’ve got a choice there! So yeah, I got home from the meeting with new motivation and determination to give it my best.

I haven’t made the best choices in the past few days, I have to admit… After Sunday there wasn’t one single day on which I stayed on programme. (Yes, I hang my head in shame…) But as some of you said – it isn’t about being perfect. It's about being persistent! I’m not going to quit the 100 day challenge. Ok, I have officially screwed like 4 days out of 7… So what? There are still 93 days left to do my best!

I had a perfectly OP day eating wise today. I should have done some exercise too, but you know… baby steps. Tomorrow is another day, right?

Oh how I wish I had more time to read all your blogs! But right now my bed is calling my name… I had a somewhat rough night yesterday (lots of wine involved) so I guess I should just call it a day for now.

Good night!

i'm still alive!

2006-05-08T09:03:00.000+01:00

Hi there, it’s me again… I really wanted to come back earlier and let you all know that I’m alright and that I’m doing ok. But since I still haven’t my computer back, it’s all a bit difficult… I can’t spend quite as much time online as I would like to, and I miss being able to blog daily. But then again, it leaves me with more time to do other things, such as… umm… Exercising like mad? Ha, I wish! But no, not so much… But hey, I’m not mindlessly snacking away to make the extra time go by either, so that has to count for something! I’d say that right now, I’m living a perfectly NORMAL and well balanced life which feels quite nice for a change. I’m not perfect – there’s room for improvement in both the eating and exercise department – but I’m not obsessing over food and how much points I have left and how I’m going to “spend” them… I don’t know how long this normalcy will last so I enjoy it as long as I can!

Last Wednesday, after writing the previous post and reading all your lovely comments, I got back on programme. I knew that I needed to get back on the horse and regain control or otherwise I’d lose it completely. (And not in a good lose-the-pounds way…) I’ve been there many times when I attempted to lose weight before. I would start off very well, lose a decent amount of weight and then get stuck in a rut and give up. Falling back into one’s old habits is so easy, and the weight creeps back on before you know it. I don’t want this to happen this time. I’m not ready to give up!

So, in order to have a bit of an incentive to spur me on, I decided to join Jill in her challenge to stay on programme for 100 days. Yes, you heard right – a whopping 100 days. I was a bit sceptical at first. I mean, it is a long time and I was afraid that by joining the challenge I was going to put too much pressure on myself. But why not give it a try? It’s worth it, isn’t it? I mean, should I manage stick to the programme, I’ll be a lot closer to goal after 100 days. And if not, well… I’ll still be at least a little bit closer to goal, won’t I? Shoot for the moon and if you miss, you’ll still be among the stars.

Since I didn’t want to do it on my own I started right away last Wednesday. That actually means I’m at day 6 already… So let’s just recap those first few days, shall we? After all, here’s the place to be held accountable for what you promise, isn’t it?
Right… Until Friday I was fine. I ate healthy and low point meals, and I even rode my bike to work on Thursday. I felt great. I felt even better on Friday, because that’s when the boy came home after being away for almost three weeks. The thing is that in my screwed mind celebrating still means having some kind of culinary treat. I am so happy that he is back, so why can’t this be enough? Why do I have to “celebrate” the fact that I’m so happy by eating something? Anyway, I had my treat and I used my AP’s for it, so I was still ok. Nothing to worry about.
Except Saturday was my brother’s birthday and my whole family went out for dinner. I knew it would be difficult, but I didn’t manage to eat really low point meals during the day. Needless to say that I went over target that day... I didn’t even bother to calculate how many points I really consumed because I was so disappointed in myself for not being able to do it properly this time. And it’s always so hard to estimate anyway. The worst thing is that the dish I chose at the restaurant wasn’t even worth it...

So, where does that leave me? Do I have to give up on the challenge already? I admit that I thought of not mentioning anything and carrying on as if nothing ever happened. But you know, I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want you to congratulate me at the end of those 100 days, knowing full well that I cheated. However, starting afresh isn’t a very good idea either. If I do that now, I will do it again and again… And I really don’t want to start a new 100 days challenge every other day! Where’s the fun in that?

No, what I’m going to do is this… I’m not going to quit. I’m still in the challenge, currently at day 6. Yesterday I went running for about 20 minutes, walked for ten minutes and then went home to grab my bike and go on a ride for another 75 minutes. I hope this will reduce the damage I've done on Saturday. I’ll try to earn as many AP’s as a possible until next Wednesday and I’m not going to eat them! This should atone for my "sins", shouldn’t it? Or I might just prolong the hundred days a bit, put one extra day in at the end to make up for it. What do you think?

Ok. Enough rambling for now… I’m off to drop by at your site and read what you’ve been up to. Have a great week everyone!

same old story

2006-05-03T19:40:00.000+01:00

As you might have guessed by my absence from blogland, I didn’t exactly have a very successful week. (Unless eating-as-many-points-as-one-possibly-can is suddenly regarded as a success…)

I screwed up. AGAIN. Gosh, reading my blog must be such a boring affair! It’s getting kind of embarrassing to come back here time and again just to tell you that I’ve fallen off the wagon again… I mean, this is hardly inspiring for anybody, is it? Me whining about not being able to keep my hands off pizza, chocolate, crisps and whatever “bad” food there is, making new resolutions every other day but then not sticking to them anyway… How tiresome is that?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s not meant to be. You know, maybe I’m just not cut out to be one of those who actually do it and lose that extra weight for good. My willpower to see it through is obviously nonexistent. But then again, I know this is not true. It’s up to me, isn’t it? I can be a success too, right? I just have to get my shit together and finally DO IT. I need to stop moaning about being a failure, stop wasting your time by being such a sourpuss and start taking action. The only thing I’ve got to do is comply with a few simple rules. Surely I can do that, right?

Ha, funny that it’s Wednesday again… I missed my meeting once again, but have weighed myself at home. The scale showed a tiny gain, but I can handle that. In fact, it was quite a nice surprise to see that I haven’t put on more!

By the way, thank you all for your advice about having a free day once a week! The idea really appeals to me, and I’m sure it’s a good way to get those cravings out of your system. Basically, I’m full of admiration for everyone like Michelle, who actually can have a free day and then get back to it the next day!
It sounds so easy, but it’s not. Not for me anyway… I tried it last week, but after eating whatever I wanted on Wednesday, I just continued to do the same on Thursday, Friday, Saturday… You get the picture. What was meant to be one free day turned into a whole week of bad food choices. Obviously I’m not quite ready yet for that much freedom.

What I’m going to do now is this… I’ll stay on programme every day! Should I get a real craving for something, I’ll wait until next Wednesday, and if it’s still there, I will allow myself to have it. However, I’m talking of ONE treat here. Not pizza AND chocolate AND hamburger… Just one treat. And I’m going to count the points for said treat so that I’ll have to make up for it somehow. Let’s see how this will work for me.

If you read that far, thanks for listening to my ramblings. I really hope I’ll do better next week and will be able to write a more positive post soon!

one week at the time...

2006-04-26T12:07:00.000+01:00

Oh dear, it’s Wednesday already… Since I’ve joined WW Wednesdays have gotten a whole new relevance in my life. It’s not only an ordinary day anymore…It’s the start of my WW week. It’s the day I have to officially face the number on the scale which usually reflects pretty much how “good” or “bad” I was since last weigh in. Yes, I know that I shouldn’t look at it like that – there’s no “good” and “bad” and I certainly shouldn’t let those numbers on the scale dictate my mood and my motivation. But there you go, sometimes things are easier said than done… I can’t help it, this has been the way I think for so many years now and it’s nigh on impossible to change that just in the blink of an eye. I’m working on it though, and I do try to check my emotions at the door and don’t let them interfere with my weight loss. I’m well aware that in the end it all comes down to some simple equation. Eat less and burn more = weight loss. Simple as that. And being on programme does mean exactly that, doesn’t it?

Anyway, back to my Wednesdays… Given the fact that it’s the day of my official weigh in, I have mixed feelings about this day. Sometimes I’m looking forward to it, sometimes I don’t – depending on what I expect to see on the scale. And sometimes I just close my eyes and bury my head in the sand, because I don’t really want to know. (Read: I don’t go to the meeting because I don’t want to see a gain…) Take today. I missed my meeting on purpose because I was afraid of what the scale would show… Pathetic, huh?

And this was because the pizza monster reared its ugly head yesterday and I gave in. What was I thinking? I mean, it was the day before weigh in and I already had dinner! Plus it was really late already. They didn’t even deliver the pizza because it was so late, but they said that it was no problem if I picked it up myself. You’d think that would have deterred me from having it… Wrong. I ordered it anyway and went to pick it up. It’s the restaurant I used to work for as a delivery driver so they know me there. The boss was all friendly and being the charming Italian that he is, he insisted on offering a mousse au chocolat on the house. Nice. Thank goodness I don’t like mousse au chocolat all that much. I felt kind of guilty for doing it, but I tossed it when I came home… The pizza was delicious though and I savoured every bite of it! So I guess it was at least worth every calorie it contained. Unlike in the past, when I used to gobble it all up in a matter of seconds, taking huge bites and not chewing them properly… (Ugh, disgusting when I think of it now!) So there’s a little step forward because I was really able to ENJOY what I was eating, even if it wasn’t the best choice before weigh in.

I’ve come to realise something. I always thought that weekends are the most challenging days to stay on programme. But apparently they’re not. The days just before weigh in are far more challenging for me. I can plan ahead for the weekends, save points and earn some AP’s to be on the safe side. It usually works quite well. But come Tuesday I have no extra points left, which is kind of fatal because it’s the day I get the worst cravings. As if I’m weary after a week of counting points. Or is it because there’s a part of me that wants to undo all the good work and keep hold of the lard? It seems like I’m sabotaging myself all the time and I’ve got no clue why I do this… Ha, sometimes I feel like such a mental case…

I wonder if it would help if I took a day off from counting points every week? What do you think? I know there are some of you who do that, so what is your experience with it? Every little piece of advice would be much appreciated.

So, it’s Wednesday again. I actually did weigh myself with clothes and shoes on a bit later at home. It’s only a number after all. It showed exactly the weight I saw at the meeting last week. I can live with that! And because this is the start of a new WW week for me, there’s always a positive side to it too. I can start afresh with a clean slate and there’s this whole week lying before me waiting to be filled with lots of exercise and wise food choices! I can leave last week behind me and move on. And that’s what I’m going to do.

shit happens...

2006-04-21T13:31:00.000+01:00

Once again, thank you all so much for your lovely comments!!! I was already really motivated to start afresh, but every single comment fueled my determination even more. I'm so ready to step it up a notch and make this programme work for me!

The boy is away for 3 weeks - he'll be home for the weekends though - and I resolved to make the most of this time. I miss him dearly, we've been together for so long that it feels kind of strange to wake up alone. But hey, there's also a positive side to him being away and I'm going to focus on that. First of all, I vowed to get a lot of work done that I've been procrastinating for too long because I'm always distracted when he's around... AND I can go and exercise whenever I want! Not that he bars me from doing so when he's at home, but ya know, I rather snuggle up to him on the couch or enjoy his company... PLUS I can eat whatever and whenever I want which is actually a good thing. Of course there's always the peril that I go completely off the rails, but so far that wasn't the case. On the contrary - I had mostly healthy and very low point meals. Thursday I had strawberries with a bit of splenda for dinner (after reading Lynne's post...), and I could not have done that had he been around. He has to have a real dinner - he needs the calories because he's a carpenter and he will burn them off at work again. (Nice huh? Maybe I should consider becoming a carpenter too...?)

So, I've been eating healthy and doing my exercise like a perfect little WW girl. And I'm loving it! I went swimming yesterday and even managed to get up early and go for a run in the morning. And hey, I ran for about 15 minutes! That's the longest I've been able to run so far. Yay!

"So what's so shitty about her day that made her choose this title?" you might ask yourself. Well, how about the fact that my computer is broken and I had to bring it back to the retailer and they had to send it in to the manufacturer? Aarrgh... This means I'll have no computer and therefore no internet access for at least a week! This is a real bummer, because I was really looking forward to being an ACTIVE blogger again. So I apologise in advance in case I won't be around all that much in the next few days. I'm not going to abandon the programme and fall off the wagon, but I probably won't be able to update as often and leave a lot of comments in your blogs...

Right now I'm using my Mum's computer. She's working today and allowed me to come and use it because there's a written assignement I should do for tomorrow. Yeah right, I'm supposed to be working on that right now... NOT BLOGGING! But you know, I'm an absolute blog addict - I just can't help it! :)

Seriously though, I should really do some work now, otherwise I'll be sitting here the whole afternoon and I don't want to do that... It's a PERFECT day outside, beautifully sunny and warm!

Enjoy your day wherever you are and have a great weekend!

PS: I have tried two new recipes this week and they were both yummy! Took pictures and everything for the recipe site. I can't post them right now though because of the broken computer... The one I'm using now is so old that I can't download the pics. The site will be updated soon, just have some patience... :)

another fresh start

2006-04-19T16:59:00.000+01:00

I know I have neglected my blog in the past few days, but now I’m back! I was busy busy busy and got a bit overwhelmed with the whole blogging thing. I guess I just needed this little break in order to find out where I wanted this to go… Fact is that I spend too much time in front of the computer. I even considered cancelling this blog - but only for maybe 3 seconds… :) Blogging has become a part of my life by now and there’s no way I want to miss out on it! I know I said this many times before. And as cheesy as this may sound, the support that the blogging community provides means the world to me! I even dare say that being part of that community is what makes the difference now to all the other times I attempted to lose weight before. Sooner or later I always miserably failed… When the going got tough there was nobody to support me, there was no one who believed in me when I stopped doing so.
But this time it’s different. I have this blog and I won’t give up until I’m one of those success stories who in turn inspires and motivates others to take the plunge and take action. I won’t give up!

I’ve been a WW member for almost a year now. And as you can see in my sidebar, I’ve only lost a piddling amount of weight so far. The past year has been a constant up and down and it is NOT because the programme doesn’t work. I know it does. It’s because I didn’t give it my best. I took a half-arsed approach to weight loss and this is what I got for it. Half-arsed results. I mean, what did I expect? One or two weeks of being perfectly on programme are not going to make a whole lot of a difference. Not if you’ve got to lose like 20 kilos or so. It’s a step or two in the right direction alright, but it won’t get you anywhere near your goal if you don’t stick with it. The good work can so easily be undone when those perfect weeks are always followed by a food frenzy, ya know? It just doesn’t work that way.

Of course I know that you all know this already. I’m not writing this because I think this is some glorious piece of advice you were all desperate to know… I’m writing it because I don’t seem to get it otherwise. This is me - some things seem to take bit longer until they finally sink in.

As the name of my blog suggests I wanted to reach goal by my 30th birthday. Go figure! That’s in 10 weeks and there’s no way this will happen. I’ve set myself unrealistic goals before but I’m not THAT stupid. But you know what? It doesn’t really matter. I’m not going to put a lot of pressure on myself by setting myself another unrealistic goal. There’s no magic number I want to reach by a certain date. I will take it day by day. I just want take those 10 weeks until my birthday as a challenge to stay on programme and give it my best. And I mean ALL of those 10 weeks! Let’s see where this will get me…

As you can see, with a little help from those lovely ladies – Jill and Crystal – I’ve been able to update my sidebar and put up some new things. I can now keep track of my progress there, and I also thought of things to reward myself upon reaching certain points in my weight loss journey. I hope this will keep me motivated!

Furthermore there’s my new recipe site where I will hopefully post my favourite recipes on a regular basis. One of my goals is to try one new recipe each week to avoid food boredom and shake things up a bit. We’ll see how that goes.

Oh, and yes I finally got myself a digital camera and of course I HAD to try it out and some “before” pictures which you can see in the post below. This way you’ll have an idea of how I really look and how much work lies before me…haha… I’m really looking forward to posting the “after” version! Because this time I’m going to stick with it and there WILL be after pics because I WILL get to goal eventually.

PS: I wasn’t fishing for compliments but I won't deny that it's nice to hear them anyway – so a huge THANK YOU to all the ladies who already left those lovely comments! Obviously I'm not very happy with how I look though... (Yet!) The front shot is ok, but I don't like the side shot and I absolutely hate the one from behind...

2006-04-19T11:09:00.000+01:00

closed due to spring-clean

2006-04-08T05:16:00.000+01:00

Sorry I'm so slack lately in updating my blog! I'm playing around with new pics and trying to sort out how I want to have my sidebar and everything, so it might take a few days until everything is the way I really want it. I'm kind of giving my blog a spring-clean!

I'll be back to updating and posting regularly once I'm done with it. Until then I'll just read what you're up to and try my best to keep up.

Take care, and see ya soon!

PS: And yes, I went swimming the other day, just as I said I would. I couldn't NOT go after posting it here, could I? So thanks, Kathryn! :)

promise

2006-04-06T13:22:00.000+01:00

Ok, I just promised Kathryn to finally get my butt off that chair and go swimming. So that's what I'm going to do now. I'll be back soon and then I'll take the time to post a proper update. See ya later! :)

finding my balance

2006-04-04T10:49:00.000+01:00

Oh isn’t it nice to have so much time on your hand? I love being off work for a week!!! I was able to catch up with all my favourite blogs and even delurked in some new ones. Yay!

It is so addicting though… Unlike food, this is apparently a good obsession – it keeps me from mindlessly snacking my way through whatever we have around and I can get so much inspiration and motivation from all of you! This is great and it really helps me to hang in there and keep on trying. I might have given up long ago hadn’t it been for the support and encouragment I get from you.
However, I can see it becoming a bit too time-consuming… I mean, can you actually believe it that I spent virtually the WHOLE DAY in front of the computer yesterday??? Isn’t that a wee bit crazy? Wouldn’t it have been better to get off that chair and do some exercise? Or work towards finally getting some things scratched off my seemingly endless To-Do list?

Now, I’m not saying that I’m going to give up blogging – I could never do that! And I don’t want to, for that matter. However, I’m going to reduce the time I spend in front of the computer. Maybe I will allow myself some blogging time in the morning and some in the evening, like let’s say, half an hour? I have no other choice. I’m still going to give my best to take part in your journey, leave comments and update my blog regularly. But bear with me if I don’t always answer straight away. I’m not superwoman and there are only so many hours in a day.

It’s a gorgeous sunny day outside! I just LOVE springtime! So today I’m going to work on things I’ve been putting off for too long already and I will get in some sort of exercise too. I’m full of energy and I want to actually DO things instead of always just talking about them.

I really hope I didn’t scare you off with this post now… I don’t even know if any of this makes sense at all. I just don’t want to suffer from a "blogging burnout" and then give it up altogether. Because I love ya all, you know? It's all about finding the right balance I guess...

Take care and enjoy your life!

spring break

2006-04-03T14:04:00.000+01:00

We ended up going to my sister and brother’s place to have our first BBQ this year last night. It was a bright and sunny all day long, but it started raining as soon as we decided to do that… Nice. So we sent the boys outside to “cook” and laid the table inside, which was just as well because it would have been to chilly anyway. It was delicious!!! Now that spring is here I’m really looking forward to the BBQ season!

I did quite well too. I still had a reasonable amount of points left because I slept away half of the afternoon and therefore didn’t snack… I could have eaten less, but it was just so bloody nice I literally couldn’t stop! I ended up one point over target so who cares?

So today is the first day of my week off work. I’ve just spent hours sitting in front of the computer and visiting all the blogs I haven’t had time to last week. It’s so nice to be able to catch up with everyone and it has kept me from the fridge so far. I should get my butt off that chair though and do some exercise. My legs still hurt so I’ll still take it easy, but I don’t think I should take this as an excuse to not workout… It’s not a wise idea, because with every day that passes without exercising it’ll get harder to get back into it. I’ve been there so many times before that I should know by now!

Brekkie: weetabix with skim milk (4 pts)
Snack: orange (0 pts), carrot (0 pts)
Lunch: chinese noodles with vegetables (5.5 pts)
Snack: carrot (0 pts), a little spoonful of peanut butter (1.5 pts)
Dinner: ???

Water: 1.5 L

Exercise
none so far

Points: 11 / 21 pts
Bank: 7.5

oh the soreness!

2006-04-02T17:01:00.000+01:00

I woke up quite late this morning and just lying in bed I already felt it… I AM SO SORE! I’ve not been this sore in a long time, believe me. No running or swimming has left me feeling like this… Seems like lifting boxes, chairs, tables, pieces of a wardrobe and a sofa and carrying them down three long and steep flights of stairs, loading them on a lorry and carrying them up another 2 flights of stairs in the new flat is a real killer workout!

It was fun all the same and although I can barely move today, I was happy to be able to help my friend. I think it’ll be good for her to have her own place. The fact that they still had their shared flat although the breakup was final probably kind of kept her from moving on… And that’s what she’s got to do now – put the past behind her, forget the idiot and move on. She’s a wonderful person and she deserves so much better!

We are now having a very lazy Sunday. We went for a leisurely walk, but apart from that we’re not doing any exercise… I just can’t. I’ve got not much else to say right now… I’m knackered and I’m going to take a nap now. Oh the luxury of the weekend!

Brunch: carrot (0 pts), leftover cheese sandwich with salad and onion sprouts (4 pts), 2 very thin slices of roast beef (1.5 pts), banana milkshake (3 pts)
Snack: orange (0 pts), pear (0 pts), ww yoghurt (1 pt)
Dinner: ??? <-- Remember my resolution to try at least one new recipe each week? I’ve planned on having chicken satay with peanut sauce (click for picture). There’s a recipe in one of my WW cookbooks and it sounds so yummy!

Water: 1.8 L

Exercise
Walking – 60 minutes (2 AP’s)

Points: 22 / 21 pts
Bank: 7.5

food victory

2006-04-01T06:04:00.000+01:00

I’m still going strong and I’m full of energy. And guess what, I ate pizza – probably my worst trigger food – and was actually able to handle it! I went shopping with my sister and my mother yesterday. We left before noon, so I knew I couldn’t have lunch at home. Knowing my mother’s penchant for pizza I thought I’d be a good little Wwer and prepare us all some lovely low point cheese sandwiches. I suggested eating them on our way there, so we didn’t need to go to a restaurant, because restaurants still are a major challenge for me. Best intentions, but it didn’t work out that way… My mother had been sick recently after having eaten a sandwich, so she can’t stand them right now. Thanks but no thanks was her reply to my suggestion. Nice huh? Ok, so pizza it was. I contemplated having a salad or a beef carpaccio, but I was afraid that I’d get a craving for pizza that might be hard to control later if I denied myself some now. I quietly calculated the points in my head and decided that I’d go for it. And it worked out fine! I secretly “observed” my sister and took her as my role model. She’s a slow eater whereas, when it comes to pizza, I am usually not. That was actually great, this way I really savoured every bite and after I had half the pizza I felt full and satisfied. I still had some more but – get this! – I stopped BEFORE I had eaten all of it. I left a good quarter of my pizza on my plate. The waitress packed it up for me and I brought it home for the boy. That was a major food victory for me! I’m able to handle pizza after all! Yay!
And I didn’t go crazy afterwards like I usually do. I knew I had the points the pizza treat, so the I-blew-it-already-why-even-bother-now thoughts didn’t creep in… I went walking and swimming when I came home although I didn’t “need” this AP’s to make up for the pizza. In fact, I was actually able to save them + 1 point for the bank because I had not consumed all my 21 points. All in all, a great day! And I bought myself some lovely new shoes which make me feel sexy. Funny how shoes can do this, isn’t it?

Today will probably be my most challenging day. We are helping my friend Nita move out of her ex-fiancée’s flat and another friend will bring some snacks. I don’t know what she’ll bring, but I’m sure I’ll be hungry after lifting all those boxes and carrying them down 3 flight of stairs… I might bring myself some veggies and fruit to snack on during the day.
In the evening we are invited at another friend’s house. They just built it and I’ve never been there before. The boy has seen it all because he helped them out doing some carpenter job. I’m looking forward to it, but again, I’ve got no idea what I’ll be having for dinner. I offered to bring dessert though, so I can plan something low point there. Don’t know what yet…

With this busy schedule I will not have the time to get any exercise in, but I’m not fretting over this. I guess helping Nita should definitely get me some AP’s… I helped her pack and move some boxes last week already and I was actually more sore the next day than after running! And then, there’s always tomorrow for some exercise…

Catch ya later… Have a great weekend everyone!

Brekkie: weetabix with skim milk (4 pts)
Snack: soft pretzel (2 pts), apple, carrots
Lunch: salami and cheese sandwiches (11 pts), cucumber with dip (2.5 pts), orange juice (1 pt)
Snack: none
Dinner: salad with corn kernels (1.5 pts) pasta with a little bit of grated parmiggiano (5 pts), chickenbreast with some sort of lime sauce (3 pts), 2 glasses of red wine (3 pts), fruit salad and biscuits (7.5 pts) <-- I'm just guestimating here... We were invited to dinner and I'm quite content with how much I ate. Except for the buiscits - I had no restraint whatsoever there!

Water: 2 L

Exercise
Swimming – none today (180/160 laps)
Running – none today
Crunches – none today (150 / 350)

Points: 40 / 21 pts <-- ooops!!!
Bank: 6.5

rainy day

2006-03-31T07:04:00.000+01:00

It all goes very smoothly so far. I’m back in the groove and it feels great! See Rachel, here it is again – weightloss effort combined with emotions… (For those of you who don’t know already – she wrote a great post about emotions and weightloss! Go check it out if you haven’t read it yet…) I know one of the main reasons I feel so great is because I’m perfectly on program right now. I can’t help it, that’s just the way I work. Being “good” gives me a boost of confidence and belief in myself and I don’t think that’s such an undesirable side effect. So can I please keep all the happy emotions connected to my weightloss and just take the negative, the “bad” thoughts out of it?

I just realised that posting my meal plan does actually mean that I’ll have to post more often, preferably daily. It should be doable next week, since I’m off work. (Woohoooo!) I will also finally have the time to catch up with everyone and I’m really looking forward to that! I’ve been trying to do that forever… But some of you are really eager beavers when it comes to updating your blogs, so I wasn’t really able to keep pace. I love it though, so please don’t stop! :) Maybe I really should sign up with bloglines to keep track of what’s going on with everyone?

Oh yeah, speaking of fellow bloggers… Where are you Laura? Can’t find you anymore – your site doesn’t appear on my screen, it’s just blank. Don’t know what’s wrong, but I would love to hear how you’re doing. I hope everything is good in your world!

I’m not going to post yesterday’s food plan. I consumed 21 points and earned myself 5 AP’s at the pool, which I didn’t use. I’m perfectly content with how my day went. I did eat after my food curfew though, but just because I really wanted to go swimming before dinner and then came home from the pool only at about 8pm. So that’s ok. I mean, I had to have dinner!
Once I have had dinner, there’s not much that can get me off the couch… I usually take it easy in the evening, bumming around on the couch, reading a good book or your blogs. I love a bit of ME time and I need it to wind down after the day. I’m not one of those people who can hit the treadmill or do any other crazy workout after dinner. When is YOUR best time to exercise? And how do you motivate yourself at your preferred time?

Right, I’ve got not much else to say at the moment hence I’ll stop rambling… I’m off to read your blogs!

Brekkie: carrots (0 pts) <-- was just too lazy to prepare anything… :)
Snack: oatmeal with skimmed milk (3.5 pts)
Lunch: pizza (12 pts)
Snack: carrots (0 pts)
Dinner: sandwich with cheese, salad and onion sprouts (4.5 pts)

Water: 3 L <-- YAY!

Exercise
Swimming – 40laps = 4 AP's (180 / 160 laps)
Running – still none, but I have a very original excuse – wanna hear it?
Crunches – 50 (150 / 350)
Walking - 45 minutes = 2 AP's

Points: 20 / 21 pts
Bank: 18.5

i can do this and i WILL

2006-03-29T15:45:00.000+01:00

Thank you ever so much for your support and encouragement! I always appreciate some nice words and every single little piece of advice is welcome! I was in desperate need of a cheer-up and once again, I found it here in blogland… You are great, I heart you all!

It is yet another Wednesday – the start of a brandnew WW week for me. I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately, about my habits and the reasons behind them, about wether I might overcome them or be stuck at the same place with my weight for the rest of my life, and so forth… I haven’t it all sorted out in my head yet, but I’ll write about it should I come to some helpful conclusions.

For now, I’m going to write down my plans for the coming days. I need to have new mini goals, and I think it’ll really help me to look ahead and plan my week in advance. Not to detail, that doesn’t really work for me… I know there are people who make a meal plan for the whole week, but me… I’m a bit silly that way. I can do a plan, alright, but I would never be able to stick with it. I’d crave everything except the food I planned to have… So, no detailed plan for me! However, a rough outline about how my days should look like exercise wise and what obstacles (read invitations, eating out with friends…) are coming up until next weigh in might be helpful. And I’m going to write it all down here in order to be more accountable. Sorry if this bores you out of your mind…

It’s basically the same old mini goals, but I’m going to post them until I will actually DO as I say!

On top of that I’m going to start posting my meals and my water intake. A lot of you do that already and I’ll just jump right on that wagon too. I’m still going to use my paper journal though… Make assurance double sure. :)

And, to shake things up a bit, I’m going to try at least one new recipe each week. How about that? If they’re any good and worth to share, I’ll let you know…

* Drink at least 2 litres of water each day
* Write what I bite! I will meticulously journal everything I eat.
* Food curfew - no more snacks after 8pm
* Try at least one new recipe this week
* Swimming – do at least 160 laps at the pool
* Running – Wednesday, Friday and Sunday (according plan)
* Crunches – do 350 chrunches this week (50 per day)

If you read that far – thanks for putting up with me repeating all those mini goals until I’m blue in the face! Ha, but that's not it yet - here comes my day so far...

Brekkie: none <-- Yeah, I know... But it was weigh in day and, totally fearing the scale today, I didn't want to put even more "weight" into my stomach...
Snack: carrot (0 pts)
Lunch: steamed fish (4 pts), oven fried potatoes (3pts), beetroot salad (0.5 pts)
Snack: leftover potatoes (2.5 pts) <-- I was starving after the laps at the pool!
Dinner: corn on the cob with a tiny blob of butter (4.5 pts), a little piece of pineapple cheese (1 pt), salad (1 pt)
Snack: 1 WW yoghurt (1pt), 1 apple (0 pts) <-- eaten before curfew :)

Water: 2 L <-- yay me!

Exercise:
Swimming - 80 laps / 160 (4 AP's)
Running - Umm... didn't go but will tomorrow!
Crunches - 50 / 350 (no AP's)

Points: 17.5 / 21 pts
Bank: 7.5 (4 AP's + 3.5 saved pts)

power of thought

2006-03-28T07:46:00.000+01:00

I have to apologize. The past few days I have been one miserable fellow, haven’t I? I’ve been eating like it was my job, and felt all the more miserable because of it. But instead of getting myself out of this mess again, I just sat there, wallowing in self-pity and not making any effort to change what was bothering me.

There are times like these. But umm…hello? Get a grip and move on! Stop being such a sourpuss! The pity party is over for now! Something clicked with me this morning and I think I can safely say that I’ve snapped out of my sour mood now. Maybe it’s all thanks to those positive vibes that reached me from Els’s blog? She’s got a great attitude towards the whole weightloss process! Let me quote what she said that really struck a chord with me. “I still have a long way to get there but I'm just feeling on top of the world knowing that I will get there. I just have to stick with it.” So simple, isn’t it? And yet so true!

This and other things I read in some of your blogs really got me thinking. Part of the problem is my lack of confidence. I know the program works. I’ve had losses whenever I worked the program properly. That’s proof enough, isn’t it? I have all the keys to be successful, yet I can’t seem to get my act together and actually DO IT. And then there’s you. I read your blogs and see that you’re succeeding too – even if some of you have hard times as well. The difference between successful losers and me is the fact that you overcome hard times and move on, whereas I throw in the towel, even if it’s only temporary, and undo all the hard work. It always gets me back to square one. It’s as if deep down, there’s still that gnawing doubt. I’m not completely and utterly confident that it will really work for ME as well. It’s like winning the lottery. You know there are people who do win the lottery, but you never in your dreams really believe that you could get that lucky and win the lottery too. Things like that happen to other people only. Frankly, that’s how I feel about losing weight. It happens to other people.

As long as I keep sabotaging myself, this is probably true. However, it’s my decision. Do I want to leave it at this? Do I want to keep on thinking that I’m just not that lucky and that I’ll be the fat girl forever? Or do I want to give it my best and prove myself that I’m able to do it as well? And most of all, do I believe that I’m worth the effort?

It’s my decision. My happiness lies in my own hands. It’s what I think that matters. “I still have a long way to get there, but I know that I will. I just have to stick with it.” Simple as that.

the same old story again...

2006-03-27T06:10:00.000+01:00

When I wrote this last post I REALLY had every intention to get back on the horse instantly and not let this first bumpy day ruin my whole WW week. And I REALLY meant what I said, I swear. But yeah, unfortunately it never happened that way… Having read Jill’s comment in which she advised me to take “baby steps”, I decided to just take it day by day. I took some pressure off me by giving up on the 7 day challenge. One day at the time was my new credo – because isn’t every day on program a step in the right direction? Yeah, you bet it is!
However, truth be told, I didn’t even manage ONE day… I always started off nicely with a low point brekkie and full of enthusiasm and motivation which soon petered off as the day went by… I usually get the munchies in the late afternoon or evening, and the past few days I just couldn’t conquer them. So I went over target every single day. And the worst thing is that when I fail to stick with one goal, all the other resolutions fall by the wayside as well… Needless to say that I didn’t drink enough water nor did I get any exercise in. I’m an all or nothing girl. That’s excellent when I’m control, but not so good when I’m not.

So as of today, I’m going to give it yet another try. What else should I do? Giving up is no option. I’m not happy the way I am, the way I look, hence I’m not going to capitulate. I’ll just keep on trying and maybe one day I’ll actually get there. It sometimes seems to me like I’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell of succeding. But then I read your lovely comments and realise that you are believing in me – even when I don’t. I can’t even begin how much this means to me! It gives me the strength to try it again. You believe I can do this – I will give my best to prove you right.

I started exercising again yesterday and boy was it hard… I did my running program which took me about an hour. I walked a bit longer than suggested since I missed Friday’s workout. It was a beautiful day, sunny and warm, and I saw the very first butterfly this year. Spring is definitely coming! When I came home I stretched, did some crunches and then changed to go to the pool, where I did 80 laps (2 km). Yesss!

I hope you all have a perfect start into the new week!
Take care

This is how I’ve done so far…
Swimming – 80 laps
Running – Wednesday (check!) Friday (nope, didn’t happen…) Sunday (check!)
Crunches - 50

what a start into this new ww-week...

2006-03-23T07:33:00.000Z

Had my WI yesterday and I lost 800g / 1.8 lbs! Whoopeedoo! Seems like all the exercising has paid off which is great. Because yeah, eating hasn’t always been perfect… But I really worked my butt off, so I guess I deserve that loss and I’m very happy about it! Finally a step in the right direction again. Nothing can stop me now! Or so I thought…

Having read about Michelle’s challenge of staying OP for 7 days I wanted to join in and give it a go myself. What better challenge can you have at the start of a new WW-week? And 7 days, I mean, c’mon that’s not that long, is it? Piece of cake. I didn’t doubt for one second that I would NOT be able to do 7 days straight… But yeah, pride goes before a fall.

I honestly got no clue why I went and blew the first of those 7 days already… I was like a freakin’ eating machine! Until noon I had already spent on third of my points for chocolate and strawberry mousse, so I made myself a light and healthy lunch. Had I just stuck to the plan of a light and healthy dinner I’d have been home and dry. No worries... But NO, I had to go and have some more chocolate, then some cold meat, some more chocolate again… You get the picture. It was as if I was trying to find that elusive food that would ultimately satisfy me, which probably doesn’t even exist because that craving or “hunger” is within myself – not in my stomach, but maybe in my soul. I hate that feeling. This restlessness I can’t quite put my finger on. I know that turning to food and stuffing my face with everything in sight is NOT what makes it any better, that it’ll just leave me with a guilty conscience. But right there and then I just couldn’t stop it. The urge to eat, to make the bad feeling go away with food is always so overwhelmingly strong.

I ended up having consumed whopping 38.5 points instead of the 21 points I’m allowed. Nice. So much for staying OP… I’ll have to be very very very good to make up for that the rest of the week!

I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling like I’d swallowed a stone… It was sitting in my stomach, making me feel uncomfortable and sick. Maybe I needed that little reminder that eating that much is not healthy and does not make me feel good at all! Today I’m all about clean and healthy food. Right now, I’m munching away on a carrot and sipping my water. There’s still a whole week ahead of me and I feel optimistic again. Optimistic enough to post my mini goals for this week…

* Drink at least 2 litres of water each day
* Write what I bite! I will meticulously journal everything I eat.
* Swimming – do at least 160 laps at the pool
* Running – Wednesday, Friday and Sunday (according plan)
* Crunches – do 350 chrunches this week (50 per day)

So yeah, after a short fall I’m already back on the horse again. This is definitely a progress, because one day of bad eating usually threw me off the rails completely and ended up being one or two weeks of mad bingeing… For now I’m just going to be happy about that progress. I might delve a bit deeper into my hidden mechanisms and the reasons later, but right now I just let it rest.

Hope you all have a wonderful day wherever you are!

This is how I’ve done so far…
Swimming – none
Running – Wednesday (check!)
Crunches - none

meet my running shoes and read about my delurking challenge...

2006-03-21T07:10:00.000Z

I’ve not much to report, really. I’ve been exercising like a mad woman and I’m even enjoying it! Who would have thought? I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow’s run, can you believe it? I know I’m not yet in that stage where I miss exercise when I don’t have it, that this is just a temporary high, but I so hope it will last. Maybe someday I’ll really get there. There’s still hope.

All these workouts take a lot of time though. It’s quite a busy time at work right now, so with all the exercising I’ve been very busy and didn’t have much time to keep my blog updated and check in with all of my favourites blogger friends. I really missed it! It’s kind of funny how you get used to the whole blogging thing… I mean, in real life I don’t see my friends all the time nor do I talk to them on the phone every day – and that’s ok. But visiting your blogs has become a habit, something I do every day and if I don’t, I feel like I’m missing out on something. I guess I can get quite obsessive with everything I love…

Remember my delurking week? I said that I would delurk in every blog I read within this particular week. Well, I didn’t do it. Not properly. I started out quite well and ‚met’ wonderful people I now count among my most favourite bloggers. But yeah, there are so many great blogs out there… There’s no way I could get that done in one single week! I’m going to take another attempt at delurking in every blog I’ve bookmarked. Time for a new delurking challenge! How about, let’s say, one blog per day? Yes, that’s it. As of today I’m going to delurk in one blog every day.

Ok. Time to get a move on, I have to get ready for work. If everything goes according my plan, I’ll be back this afternoon. And then I’ll take the time to read YOUR blog.

See ya later!

This is how I’ve done so far…
Swimming – 190 laps
Running – Wednesday, Friday, Sunday (check all!)
Bike – 120 min (27km)

busy girl

2006-03-20T06:23:00.000Z

Sorry I've been absent for a while again... I just wanted to let you all know that luckily it's not because I've fallen by the wayside again. Far from it! The lack of update has got to do with me being super busy the past few days. Hopefully it'll get better soon... I'm planning to write a proper post tonight and if I'm lucky I might even have time to catch up with everyone.

Have a great day!

doing good

2006-03-16T10:27:00.000Z

I’m finally back on the horse and galopping full steam ahead! It was about time too… Went to my meeting yesterday and as I already suspected, have managed to put on 1.3 kg / 2.9 lbs over the last two weeks. I’m not fretting over it since I’m sure it’ll come off again in no time. How nice to feel so confident for a change!

I had an excellent start, staying right on target AND getting lots of AP’s in. It was a beautiful springlike day and I’m sure the weather being so bright and sunny helped me to be even more motivated.

And you’d never guess… I went running yesterday for the first time! I thought, what the heck, today is as good a day as any for getting started with it! Well, there wasn’t all that much of actual running involved, but hey, I’m only just beginning… I’m following a program similar to the ‚Couch to 5K’ plan where you start off quite easily, increasing the running ratio over the weeks. So, yesterday I ran for 3 minutes in total, 1 minute each time. And it felt so good! I went early in the morning (hoping that no one would see me) and felt great and proud for the whole day afterwards. If I want to follow the program – which I absolutely intend to do! – I’ll have to run regularly now on certain days. Wednesday, Friday and Sunday will be my running day from now on! It’s a huge challenge for me but I’m all for it and determined to not let it become another wash-out.

Speaking of running days brings me to my plan for the week. Time for new (or not so new) mini goals!

* Drink at least 2 litres of water each day
* Write what I bite! I will meticulously journal everything I eat.
* Swimming – do at least 100 laps at the pool
* Running – Wednesday, Friday and Sunday (according plan)

I know, apart from the running it’s the same old goals again. I just don’t believe in setting myself new ones before I’m able to stick to those few. I’m easily overwhelmed with too many goals and as a result fail to stick to any of them. So, I’ll just see how it goes, and add some more when I feel ready for it.

Ok, I know that was now a lot of exercise related talk, but that’s me… Writing it down and having it posted here helps me to actually DO it too. If you’re looking for something more profound and insightful, I recommend visiting Hilly’s site and read this post! It really got me thinking and put my world into the right perspective again.

Let’s live our lives to the fullest!

This is how I’ve done so far…
Swimming – 60 laps
Running – Wednesday (check!)

the countdown is on again

2006-03-14T15:57:00.000Z

I’m going to admit right here and now - the weekend wasn’t exactly what you’d call being on program… There was Pizza and there was Fondue and basically I don’t care. Don’t worry, I’m not in one of those „why even bother?“ moods. I’m far from giving up! I actually ALLOWED myself to be a bit off program in order to get those cravings out of my mind before starting again full force. Meanwhile, the black stallion was in its barn, prancing nervously, raring to go. So I’m still confident that I will get back on track! Tomorrow is WI and I know that it is not going to be pretty… But at the same time I’m looking forward to it, because it’ll be the start of a successful week or ,hopefully, a series of successful weeks!

Ok. I know I promised to let you in on how I got my motivation back, so here goes…

Some of you might remember that my goal is (or rather WAS, because I don’t think I can still make it) to reach my goal weight by my 30th birthday. For me it’s important to have such a goal. Telling myself that ‚someday I’ll reach my goal’ just doesn’t work for me. „Someday“ is not very specific, you know? I mean, „someday“ could be in 2 months but it could also be in 40 years… And, knowing that I’m very imaginative when it comes to making up excuses, I needed to have a set date to keep me focused. So why not take my 30th birthday, I thought. It’s a nice round number, the starting of a new phase in my life… blah blah…
However, this is only half the reason. The other half is the fact that we decided to organise a huge party for all our former schoolmates who obviously will turn 30 this year too. We had such a reunion/party when we turned 20 – and it was a blast! Every 30-year-old of our town will be invited and I’m sure it will be so much fun to see all those people who we shared our childhood and youth with. We haven’t seen some of them in a long time, because they have moved away.

It’s only natural that I want to look my best when I get to see those people, right? Especially because many of them have never seen me that fat… I was never thin, I’ve always been the chubbier one. But not that fat as I am now. In fact, I’d do anything to be like I was at 16. I remember looking in at myself in the mirror and thinking how fat I was. I had no idea…! Anyway, I don’t want anyone to NOT recognise me because I’ve put on so much weight! I’d rather have someone who knows me fat not recognise me because I’ve lost so much weight… :)

And then, there’s Katherine. Not that I care much about her… I never liked her, but I couldn’t ignore her either because she was my rival. I was a good student and so was she, and we always had some sort of hidden competition going on. Well, I guess I must admit that she’s done better in so many ways… She was born into a wealthy family while I was brought up in a foster home. She has studied economy and now has some sort of high-flyer job her mother keeps on boasting about every time I meet her. Whereas I just have an ordinary job, nothing to write home about. Don’t get me wrong – I wouldn’t swap my life with hers for a million dollars! I absolutely love my foster family, and while I don’t always like my job, I don’t want to have hers either. I’m not overly ambitious in my career - I’m just not that sort of person. For me, there’s more to life than just work!

On Saturday I started to make a list of all the people we would like to invite and looked up their adress on the internet. When I googled her name, I came across some article from a Golfer Magazine featuring a body strength workout demonstrated by the triathlet Katherine. I clicked it open and yes – there she was, slim and strong and fit as a fiddle. Blimey... My former rival is a f@%“ing triathlet! So yeah... that snapped me right out of my slacker mode. I’ve got to take action now! I mean, I know I can not become a triathlet until summer, and I might not even get to goal by then – but hell, there’s no way I’m going to face her (or anyone else for that matter) the way I look now! I don’t want her to look down on me, being unbearably smug because she’s so darn sporty and I’m just a fat blob…

Do you think that’s stupid? Can anyone understand me or am I just plain weird? I guess it’s alright, as long as it gets me going…

Wish me luck for my weigh in. I’ll be back tomorrow with new mini goals… Hope you all have a wonderful day!

black stallion

2006-03-11T20:04:00.000Z

I have a confession to make. Ahem. I’m such a big talker! Since so gloriously declaring on Thursday that I’m back on track, I’ve done absolutely NOTHING that would even remotely qualify for ‚being on track’. Once again, apart from some very leisurely walking, I’ve done nothing at all… Exercise, what’s that again…? Umm, apparently something which has been absolutely non-existent in my life for the last few days. Or for the last two weeks, for that matter… I know, this alone would not be the end of the world. In fact, I’ve heard from people who have lost weight solely by changing their eating habits, without ever doing any exercise. It supposedly works that way as well… But who am I to tell? Anyway, I’m not saying that want to do it this way – I do not only want to lose the lard, I want to be fit and have a slim, strong and well toned body. I don’t want to be a skinny fat person. So, I guess there’s no way around exercise for me, but that’s ok. I WANT exercise and I want to LOVE it! They say that you grow to love it, that someday you will crave it even… I so desperately want to get there! In fact, I already want to be there, but that’s just my impatient self who wants to have it all without actually having to do anything for it… Ok, I got a bit sidetracked here. The point is, that regardless of wether you consider exercise necessary or not, if you want to succeed you should get at least the eating part right. And yeah… My eating has been disastrous! I’ve been stuffing my face with every ‚bad food’ there is. You name it, I probably had it. Honestly, I’m not making things up.

However, the good news is - and I’m now referring to the title of today’s post which I kind of cribbed from Jennifer - as of now, I’m REALLY back on the horse! And it’s not just any horse, mind you… It’s a strong and determined black stallion with a fiery temper. That horse is quite something, let me tell you! It is so powerful that it can take me anywhere. With that stallion everything is possible. I just somehow have to manage to stay on its back this time!

[Hope you don’t feel offended now Jennifer… I totally love your barbie horse too! :)]

You know what? I really like this whole ‚back on the horse’ metaphor. In fact, I’ve printed the picture of that black stallion and stuck it to the fridge. It’ll remind me of my goals, without being such a dead giveaway for others that I’m trying to lose weight. The idea of having a ‚fat picture’ of myself hanging on the fridge doesn’t appeal to me, because I’d always have to think of removing it when someone drops by unexpectedly… I certainly don’t want anyone to see my unflattering and embarrassing fat pictures nor do I want them to know that I’m trying to lose weight.

The boy is out of town this weekend, he went skiing with his collegues from work. It’s kind of nice to have the whole place for myself and being able to do what I want. Of course I miss him, but he’ll be back tomorrow. I guess I can manage until then… However, there’s a slight risk of the food situation getting out of hand when he’s not here… I’ve been known to sneak eat and I used to seize such an opportunity for a massive binge. To be honest, there’s already a lot of ww-unfriendly stuff sitting in my fridge because the old habit got the better of me this morning when I went shopping. And, to tell the plain truth, it’s not only sitting in my fridge, some of it already made its way into my mouth and down to my stomach where it’s giving me a bloated and bleh feeling right now. Umm… right. I’m not beating myself up about it now, there’s no point in doing that. I’m just glad that I snapped out of that mindset NOW. In the past, I would have eaten EVERYTHING because I didn’t want to leave any trace. I would not have left an open bag of chocolate bars, I’d have eaten all of them. So I guess the fact that there’s still ‚bad food’ in my fridge – which I theoretically could, but practically will not eat - can be regarded as some kind of teeny tiny progress, no?

Thank goodness my motivation came back in time! Of course, this didn’t happen just because – there’s a reason for my new found determination. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow… this post has already gotten long enough! If you’re still with me – thanks for reading this, I hope I didn’t bore you to death. :)

i'm back!

2006-03-09T21:07:00.000Z

I can’t believe it’s already a week since I last updated this blog! Where does the time go???

A lot has happened… I didn’t forget you though (Of course not, what were you thinking?), I was just too busy to write and I guess I also needed a bit of a break from it all. You see, I haven’t been very good on the WW front – a lot of bad eating, drinking combined with no exercise at all… Ahem. I didn’t want to admit to you and to myself what a failure I was being and drag myself even further down by spelling it out here. Most of the time this is the place where I can vent and get it off my chest, knowing that you understand perfectly well what I’m going through. But this time I felt like this wouldn’t do the trick…

Anyway, I’m back now. I feel better again, I’m full of new resolutions and I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone. I’ve missed a lot and I’m sure I’ll be glued to the computer screen for quite some time until I’ve read what you all have been up to… :)

Thanks for not giving me up and checking back on me! It means a lot to me to see that some of you dropped by several times although I didn’t post anything for such a long time. This put a smile on my face – I heart you all!

be thankful for what you have

2006-03-02T10:16:00.000Z

I live in a very small and quiet town where the majority of people still know and great each other on the street. When we were teenagers we found it somewhat boring because nothing ever happened… There was not much to do neither, so we yearned for something to happen, something dramatic and adventurous or at least something we could talk about. ‚Action’ was what we wanted.

Well, today there was ‚action’ in the centre of our town. And I so wish it were just another ordinary, uneventful day for everyone!

The boy just left for work and I was doing the dishes when I suddenly noticed thick, black smoke rising from just a few houses away from ours. I couldn’t see where it was coming from exactly – just that it was very close. My brother and my sister live in an old house in that direction, and I felt my heart constrict with fear. So I hastily put on my shoes and a jacket and ran up there… The house just next to theirs was ablaze, flames licking up the roof and along the walls while firefighters struggled to put out the fire. I just stood there, shocked and utterly helpless, unable to hold back my tears… I was so relieved to know that my siblings are safe! But at the same time I felt so bad for being relieved, because I don’t wish such a disaster upon anyone else either!

On the groundfloor of that house is our favourite pub/restaurant and the owners – who we know quite well - lived upstairs. Thank Goodness that they were all rescued just in time! The man was brought into the hospital though – he allegedly went back to rescue the dog and probably suffered from smoke poisoning. I really hope that he’ll be fine!
My heart aches for him and his family – they’re left with nothing… I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose everything, and I mean, literally EVERYTHING.

Now, about 4 hours later, the firefighter finally managed to put out the flames and everything seems to be under control. The back of the house where the fire probably started is completely destroyed and it looks like the whole thing might collapse anytime…

Sorry, I know I’m rambling here… It’s just what’s on my mind now. How sad it is that it takes such a disaster to make me realise and appreciate what a carefree and happy life I have. We should always focus on the good in our lives and be thankful for it, rather than always harping on about the bad!

Take care

This is how I've done so far exercise wise...
Swimming - none
Walking - none
Crunches - none

arrrgh!

2006-03-01T09:18:00.000Z

76.2 kg / 167.8 lbs

A quick peek on the scale this morning made me cringe… And today is my official WI day! I was already dressed to leave, bag on my shoulder, key in my hand – and then decided at the last minute that I couldn’t face a gain today. I skipped my meeting simply because I didn’t want to have another gain written on my WW card. I figured that if I’m extra good in the next few days I can make up for it and then maybe have a small loss next week. Or at least maintain… Ahem.

Ok, so I’ve done this before. In fact, too many times already... Has it ever worked so far? Umm, no. When I look back, every time I missed a meeting for that exact reason I ended up failing miserably. I never managed to make up for it the next week – on the contrary! I always jumped the rails completely and put on even more! You’d think I learned by now… Why do I keep making the same mistakes again and again?

I know that I can’t get away with straying off plan. Not even a little bit… If I want to make up for this week’s gain I need to stick to my plan adamantly! I’ll have dinner with a friend on Friday and I must make good choices there. Saturday will be even more difficult! It’ll be carnival here – that means a huge party in every bar and restaurant of our village, with lots of music, drinks and fun. Go figure!

I might go and have a look at a digital camera which is on sale at the moment. I’d love to have one and be able to post pictures here… But we’ll see. First, I have to get my butt out of my warm and cozy flat out in this winter storm… Winter has come back in full force.

Here are my mini goals for next week:

* Drink at least 2 litres of water each day! Water is my friend!

* Keep within points allowance, i.e. eat no more than 21 points each day.

* Write what I bite! I will meticulously journal everthing I eat.

* Swimming – do at least 100 laps at the pool
* Walking – walk at least 150 minutes
* Crunches – do 50 crunches a day

thank you

2006-02-28T07:23:00.000Z

Thank you so much for all your encouraging comments!

*BLUSH*

You are the best and although I know I’ve said it many times before, I just need to say it once more… I really appreciate every single comment I receive in my blog! It means so much to me to have people like you, who drop by from time to time and make my journey a bit easier and a lot more enjoyable! I heart you all! And you’re in my thoughts every day – in fact, I talk a lot about you all the time… The boy ‚knows’ some of you without ever having seen your blog, just because I keep talking about you. I would tell him something like „You know, ____ (insert name of fellow blogger here) was in the same situation recently, and then she.... blah blah…“ and he would go „Oh, _____ (insert same name again), isn’t she the one who… blah blah…“ See, you’ve become a part of my life already.

As for my dream to become a writer… I wasn’t fishing for compliments here, but what can I say…? It’s so nice to hear them anyway!
Saying it out loud made that wish become a little bit more real. Over the past few days the thought of making my dream become reality has been in my head all the time… This is what I really want to do. I don’t know if I’d be any good at it… But how will I ever know if I don’t give it try? I’ve already got a few ideas and I’m going to work on them. I mean, it’s not as if I have to lose anything, right? I decided that just this one time I’m not going to put myself down before even giving it a try! My lack of self-confidence has prevented me from trying new things too many times already… But not this time… Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Your lovely comments might have given me the kick I needed… A huge THANK YOU to all of you!

Ok, let’s go on to more WW related topics… My eating has taken a turn for the worse. The weekend has been disastrous once again food wise, and since tomorrow is my official WI again, I’ll be trying to make up for it as good as I can today… As long as I don’t see a gain tomorrow I’ll be happy.

I’m back to work again, so bear with me if I don’t leave so many comments or don’t update my blog that regularly anymore… It was so nice to have enough time for that! But I’ll still be around as much as I can.

Have a great week!

This is how I’ve done so far exercise wise…
Swimming – 180 laps
Walking – 210 minutes
Cycling – none (It snowed again, so I think it's not going to happen.)

what happened with the good intentions?

2006-02-25T18:03:00.000Z

Everything has been going so smoothingly lately. Healthy food choices, lots of water and lots of exercise… I’ve been doing perfectly well. So why did I need to fuck it up again? Where did it start to go wrong and what happened with the good intentions? Let me rewind a little…

Yesterday my mother asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her. Although I didn’t really need anything, I agreed. We strolled through the city, browsed through racks and racks of clothes and had a good time. I bought myself some cheap shirts and baby clothes for the newborn child of a friend. At around noon we started to get a bit hungry. That’s when Mom suggested having Pizza… yeah, right. I tell you, that moment I really had a tiny devil and an unfortunately even tinier angel sitting on my shoulder, debating about wether it was ok to have a Pizza or not… However - you probably already guessed it - the devil won out and after quickly dismissing the objection of the tiny angel I found myself agreeing. I knew it would cost me a whole lot of my points, but I seriously thought I could handle it. Up to that point I had used about 4 points on breakfast and I thought I could make the Pizza fit into my day… Well, I would have – had I been good for the rest of the day… I don’t know why this didn’t happen. It was as if by eating this damn Pizza I allowed myself to give up. As if with every bite of it I swallowed a bit of my good intention as well. The rest of the day ended in me gobbling up everthing edible in sight – salted macadamia nuts, yogurt gums and much more… Yes, of course I know that just because supermodel Heidi Klum eats lots of those yogurt gums in the TV ad doesn’t make them healthy or anything, but there was just no stopping me. And to make matters worse, I didn’t earn a single AP yesterday. Nope, no exercise at all.

When I sat down late at night to write a post, I looked back on my day and was frustrated and disappointed in me because I failed again. I decided not to dwell on it and go to bed instead. I guess this was a good decision, because I woke up feeling a lot better again this morning. Funny thing is that the scale was even down today…

Ok, so I didn’t handle the Pizza situation very well, but at least I’m right back on program today. This has to count for something! To make up for yesterday’s slip up, I pushed myself hard exercise wise today. I wanted to sweat it out today. So I did 100 laps at the pool, which is a lot… Yay for that!

Oh, and the tiny angel on my shoulder is all smiles today – he seems to be very happy again. The tiny devil on the other hand is pouting in the corner, but who cares? I like the angel better anyway… :)

Have I forgotten anything? Oh yeah, the job question… Well, I don’t want to be a Crossing Guard. And no, there’s no way I will EVER be an Olympic figure skater. There’s just nothing remotely elegant or graceful about me… Haha! Nice suggestions anyway, Jeni.
Right, I won’t keep you on tenterhooks any longer… What I really want is to be a writer. There, I said it… Phew, it’s out. Now you go ahead and laugh your head off… Honestly, there’s no need to stifle your laughter. Because you know what? I have to laugh at myself when I really think of it… I mean, it’s just a dream – I don’t even know what kind of writer I want to be or what I would like to write about. But who knows what’ll happen in the future…

I only know what happens in the very near future – I will make myself dinner, rent a DVD and have a cosy and relaxing evening in our flat. It’s Saturday night and I feel like having a quiet night in. Does that make me sound old? :)

Wish you all a wonderful weekend!

This is how I’ve done so far exercise wise…
Swimming – 160 laps
Walking – 60 minutes
Cycling - none

five secrets about me

2006-02-23T16:26:00.000Z

My day has been grey and dull so far – just like the weather outside. Apart from going for a walk, swimming some laps at the local pool and reading through everyone’s blog I haven’t done much today… Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have enough time to read all the blogs and see what everyone has been up to! There’s just not much to write in mine now…

So, in order to have something to write about, I’ll just follow Snackie’s invitation to reveal five things about myself that others would be surprised to know or that I’m embarrassed to admit. Let’s see…

# 1
I’m happy about the fact that my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend is at least as fat as I am. (Or even more so, in my humble opinion…) Pathetic, huh? I don’t even know why I bother – it’s been years since we were together…

# 2
I sometimes feigned illness in order to avoid having to work. Yes, I was a skiver… (Notice the past tense here! I’ve grown up in that department.)

# 3
Although I often jokingly say that I will never marry I inwardly hope that the boy will propose someday in the near future…

# 4
I want to smoke a spliff before I turn 30 - just because I’m curious. And because I’ve never done it before but everyone else has… (Pathetic again, I know.)

# 5
If I had a choice I would not work. I am bone idle. And no, I wouldn’t get bored as everyone suggests – I could easily find a thousand little things to do to keep myself busy and amused.

I guess that last point is not entirely true. I’m not too lazy to work, I just haven’t found the perfect job yet. (And that’s not true either, I once had an almost perfect job in a more than perfect team, but the company – an airline – went bankrupt. But that’s another story…) Anyway, what I want to say here is, that if I could make a living doing what I really love my life would be perfect. Want to know what kind of job that is I’m secretly dreaming about? I’ve been harbouring that thought for so long and I don’t even dare to say it aloud… Because I’m a bit embarrassed and afraid that someone would come along and exclaim "What? You? Become a ___ (fill in the blank with my dream)? No way, you are so NOT cut out for that! NEVER in a million years will you be able to do that!" Guess that says a lot about my self-confidence and my belief in myself, huh? But yeah, if you really want to know ask nicely and I might tell you tomorrow… ;)

Have a good one!

This is how I’ve done so far exercise wise…
Swimming – 60 laps
Walking – 60 minutes
Cycling - none

new mini goals

2006-02-22T17:17:00.000Z

75.4 kg / 166.2 lbs

Yessss! This is how I like it. That’s a loss of -1.1kg / -2.4 lbs… Gosh, I’m very happy about those numbers! Finally I’m back on that WW wagon… About time too! :)

I rode my bike to the meeting – the first time this year… It was quite cold though, it isn’t as nice and sunny anymore today. Now my bum hurts because I’m not used to cycling anymore, but oh well… no pain, no gain.

So, time to set myself some new mini goals for the days until my next official WI. This has worked very well for me last week, so I guess I should stick with it. I’ve well exceeded my exercise goals last week, but I think that’s mostly due to the fact that I’ve had more time since I’m off work… So, I will step it up a notch but not too much. I don’t want my goals to become unrealistic and impossible to reach – it’s very important for me to be able to comply with my ‘rules’, even when I’m back to the grind. So let’s see…

* Drink at least 2 litres of water each day! Water is my friend!

* Keep within points allowance, i.e. eat no more than 21 points each day.

* Write what I bite! I will meticulously journal everthing I eat.

* Swimming – do at least 100 laps at the pool
* Walking – walk at least 150 minutes
* Cycling – ride my bike for at least once more this week

What do you think? I’ve kept the first three rules from the previous week and just expanded the exercise goals. I have yet to figure out how to put them in the sidebar properly…

Oh, and by the way – I got myself new running shoes yesterday! I’m currently wearing them in the flat to break them in. They’re really comfortable and I’m really looking forward to give the running a try. Some of you recommended the ‘couch to 5k’ program, so I might have a closer look at that, since right now I’m still absolutely clueless how to actually start running…

Hope your day is going well! I’ll be off now to read your blogs and see what’s new in YOUR world… :)

full of the joys of spring

2006-02-21T10:59:00.000Z

I feel good. Isn’t it great to be able to say that and mean it wholeheartedly? If I could bottle up that feeling and save it for later, I would. However, knowing that this is not possible, I decided to enjoy this moment of ‘zen-ness’ as long as it lasts and savour every second of it.

It’s a beautiful sunny day outside and the smell in the air makes me think that spring is just around the corner. I’ve just returned home from a walk with my mother and I feel so refreshed. We’ve even discovered the first flowers which are growing where the snow has already melted… I won’t be fooled into thinking that winter is over though, the weather forecast predicted snowfall for tomorrow again. It’s only February, and winter here usually lasts until March or even April sometimes… Oh how I love the different seasons!

Now that I got a first enticing taste of spring, I’m really looking forward to it. Can you believe that the nice weather of the past few days actually made me wish I were a runner, so that I could go outside and enjoy the warmth by going on a run instead of a walk? I feel so energetic right now – it makes me wonder if I would be able to actually become a runner… Maybe it’s wrong to go on believing that I can’t do this? I’m taking it as a good sign that I even think about things like that. I mean, who would have thought that I’d ever contemplate becoming a runner? It might be thanks to Jennifer and other bloggers who run a lot, but it amazes me nonetheless…

Anyway, truth is that I’ve already discussed this with the boy yesterday. He said he was willing to support me if I were to give it a try, which I really appreciate. Of course, jogging with me will be like a leisurely walk for him, but hopefully it will motivate me enough to REALLY give it a try and stick with it for a while in order to see if it is something I like. I tend to be all for it at first, but once the initial enthusiasm wears off I give up easily. So hopefully it will be different this time!

I’ll be going to the pool later and get some more AP’s by doing at least 40 laps. And after that I might hit the shops and have a look around for good running shoes. The boy even gave me the gift certificate he got for one of the sports shops – isn’t he the best man ever?

[Quick note by the way: Yes, he is! And it’s not only the fact that he is so generously giving away his gift certificate or that he looks a bit like gorgeous Matthew McConaughey…He’s just the very best that ever happened to me and I’m very happy to have him in my life!]

Can you tell that I’m full of the joys of spring? :)

busy weekend

2006-02-20T18:57:00.000Z

I’m back again. Had a very busy but wonderful weekend and there’s so much to tell that I don’t know where to start…

Friday night we went to see an improvisational theatre competition which is also known as theatre sports. It’s basically a performing competition between two teams on stage, with the audience acting as judge. There’s a referee who decides on the form of improvisation the teams will have to do. He or she then asks the audience for a word – this may be a feeling, a place, an object or whatever – and within seconds the ‘players’ then have to come up with an idea and perform a scene. It was HILARIOUS! They had me in stitches – I don’t know when I laughed so hard the last time… And I was really impressed by the imagination and spontaneity of the ‘players’. They were oozing with self-confidence... Anyway, should you ever have the possibility to see theatre sports, don’t hesitate, go and see it! It’s so much fun!

Saturday night I was invited at my parent’s house along with some friends of the family who we haven’t seen in a long time. It was a great get-together and it was so good to see them again! Of course there was a lot of food involved, but I’m happy to say that I did well. I’d had earned myself some AP’s beforehand in order to be able to indulge a bit. It all worked out really well and I was very proud to decline the offered second helping of the dessert. That was huge for me!

Well, it was a bit stupid though that I proceeded to meet the boy at the bar when I went home after midnight. He’d had other plans for the night and when I got home he wasn’t there. I knew where he and his friends were, so I went there too… Big mistake! Obviously they’d had been drinking and when I arrived there, they were in full swing… Drinking games and everything. So I kinda got sucked in and until we left I had consumed at least 8 shots and a handful of pretzel sticks. Or even more.
Umm, yes… Totally unplanned and unnecessary to spend those points, I know… Heck, I’m turning 30 this year – shouldn’t I be more adult? Shouldn’t I act like a proper grown-up instead of hanging out at bars, drinking like a fish? Will you scoff at me or even turn your back on me when I tell you now that I even enjoyed it? Sometimes I just don’t feel like growing up… :)

Apart from the out of hand situation at the bar I really stayed on track the past few days though. I drank my 2 litres (water not alcoholic drinks!) each day and I exercised like a mad woman. I resolved to swim 80 laps (2 km) until my next official WI on Wednesday… Well, that was the number of laps I swam on Friday. And another 60 on Saturday. And yesterday I did another 80. It was actually very nice yesterday – I had the whole pool for myself! I thought it opened at 9:30am when it did at 10:00am only so I was there too early. The pool attendant saw me waiting outside and let me in. Great, huh?

Anyway, with all the swimming and walking I’ve done lately I think I should see a loss this week despite going over points Saturday night. Since this is my week off, I can really concentrate on healthy eating and daily exercise and this will certainly help. Wish me luck!

hungry or thirsty?

2006-02-17T07:50:00.000Z

I’m happy to say that I’m doing great. I’m making good food choices and I’m drinking enough water. It always amazes me how much of a difference that makes! I mean, of course I know that water is a key if you want to lose weight, but I so easily forget to act according this knowledge… When I drink enough, I’m not so hungry all the time anymore. This makes me wonder if my brain and my body speak the same language… Do they really understand each other? I believe that often when I feel like eating something, I’m not hungry but thirsty… My brain just doesn’t get the signals right. My body might say ‘Hey there, I need water!’ And my brain translates that into ‘Hurry, get that body some food! If possible something with lots of fat or sugar – or even better with both of that…’ My plan is to drown that screwed brainy voice in lots of water until it gets the message… :) And hey, so far it works.

As of today, I’m off work until 27th of February. That makes me really happy – because I tend to do so much better when I don’t work! I’ll have lots of time to plan my meals and get active exercise wise. And of course, lots of time to blog which always inspires and motivates me so much! Yay! So if everything goes well I should see good losses the next two weeks. This is just what I need to get back into the groove.

I got myself a new WW recipe book at meeting last Wednesday and I’m looking forward to trying a few of those. My work involves a lot of cooking, so I don’t usually like to spend too much time preparing fancy meals when I come home… And I certainly don’t like experimenting and trying out new recipes after having spent the day in a kitchen. It’s not that I don’t like cooking, because I really do. So now that I’m off work for a few days I feel like creating healthy meals and trying out new recipes. Of course it’ll all be points friendly and I’ll religiously stay OP...

On that note, I’m off to plan my meals for today…

an eye opener for me

2006-02-15T16:13:00.000Z

Something the boy said to me yesterday really got me thinking. We went to see a slide show about a couple who travelled around the world on their bikes for 8 years. It was a great show, and being the globetrotters that we are we left the show with itchy feet… I’m so looking forward to the moment when I’ll be finished with studying and free to travel as much and as long as I like! In the meantime we have to be content with little things such as spending the night in our sleeping bags - which is exactly what we did last night. We turned off the heating and opened the windows of our bedroom and snuggled into our sleeping bags, pretending we were in our tent… It wasn’t the same, but it was nice nonetheless. [Yes, I know we are a bit crazy sometimes… :)] What a happy Valentine!

Anyhoo, back to what got me thinking… On our way home we had a tiff about a stupid remark the boy made. It wasn’t anything worth arguing about, but we both were a bit tired and so it just happened… It was a remark about me being a weight watcher – a sensitive issue since I’ve been feeling fat and unconfident and so NOT in control of neither my eating nor my exercising lately… The last thing I wanted to hear was a snarky comment on that! So yeah, I got hold of the wrong end of the stick and one thing led to the other… Fortunately, neither of us usually bears a grudge for too long and we kiss and make up very soon after a fight.
I later asked him if he’s got a problem with me doing WW and that it has become such an important thing in my life. I mean, I know that I talk about it A LOT… I need to, because I need it to be on top of my mind all the time in order to be successful. It’s so easy to ‘conveniently’ forget about it otherwise… He said he hadn’t, that in fact he was very pleased with my efforts and proud of me for what I’ve accomplished so far. He loves the ME when I’m doing good, because then I’m all upbeat and happy and confident about myself. However, my whining when I fail to stay OP seems to jar on him sometimes… He emphasised that it wasn’t because of my weight but because of how I feel about myself. He said that he could usually tell if I kept up with journalling and paying attention to what I eat without me telling him - just because of my self-confidence (or lack thereof) and my mood. And you know what? He’s right. Hell, I like myself better too when I’m good! I like being in control and having a positive attitude towards life. I’m more relaxed, I laugh more, I’m a happier person altogether. And of course this positiveness rubs off on my relationship to others… It absolutely makes sense, doesn’t it? So as of today I’m going to give it my very best to stay on track! It’s not only good and healthy for my body, but for my mind too. I’m going to make myself happy!

I went to the WW meeting this morning and weighed in at 76.5 kg / 168.7 lbs. That’s not too bad considering what I’ve been eating lately… Although I did gain (as predicted) I’m absolutely happy with that number! It could have been a lot worse, believe me. (And no, I’m not making things up here… Want an example? Yesterday I had the munchies for something sweet… So I bought a bag of chocolate bars. Not the end of the world, you think? Well, you’re probably right – if I had only eaten ONE of those bars, but no, I had to have the whole bag: 8 freakin’ chocolate bars! Right one after the other. I’m such a pig sometimes…)

So, today is the start of a brand new WW week… As usual I’m very motivated to be good and see a decent loss next Wednesday. But this time is going to be different. I’m not sticking to the plan until the weekend only and then fall by the wayside again… This time I’m getting it right – I’ll see it through until next weigh in and I will be successful! No more chocolate bars or any other evil things like that will get in my way and throw me off the rails.

I said that I would set myself some mini goals to be striving for every week. Well, I’ve updated them in my sidebar, but I’m not happy about how it looks yet… Anyway, I’ll work on that. Besides, I’ll have to think of an appropriate way to reward myself for every goal I reach. Just little things that keep me going. Any suggestions?

Right girls, this has become a very long post which I’m going to end here… If you’re still with me, thanks for listening!

Love ya’

the best laid plans...

2006-02-14T06:46:00.000Z

First of all, a big THANK YOU for all the encouraging and supportive comments you left me! This is what keeps me going when I might give up otherwise. It means so much to me that there are people who understand where I am and what I’m going through… And how could I ever give up and stop believing in me when you all seem to think that I can do this? You are great, you really are!

So how did I do so far? Umm… What do you want to hear first? The good or the bad…? Ok. let’s start off with the positive…

The good:
I’ve managed to get in my exercise so far. Yay! Sunday was such a beautiful winter wonder day, so the boy and I went for a walk. It was wonderful – the air was crisp and clear, the snow was all sparkling and glittery and the sun was shining. Perfect. We really enjoyed it and just kept on going… and ended up walking for 2 hours. Yes – a solid 2 hours.
Yesterday we went swimming and I did my 40 laps. Yay again! However, I have to admit that the pat on the shoulder for that should go to the boy… Hadn’t it been for him and his insistence to go to the pool, I would have bailed out and sat on my lazy butt all evening. But he ‘forced’ me to go, and once I was in the water, there was no way I would have stopped before completing those 40 laps. It’s a shame really, because I still clearly remember that doing 40 laps was like a piece of cake only about a month ago… Well, yesterday it seemed more like hard work. That’s what happens when you stop exercising, huh?
Right, now I just have to get a walk in today in order to complete this weeks exercising goals – and that’s totally doable I reckon. I’ll do that right after work. Promised!

The bad:
Well, for the drinking-eating-writing part of my rules I can’t report anything good. I started off really well on Sunday but the determination petered out very soon once more... Yeah, I know that’s embarrassing and believe me, I thought about concealing that bit of information. But who would I be fooling?
No, I’m going to be honest and face the music. Tomorrow’s weigh in might not be the best ever – I’m sure it isn’t – but that doesn’t mean I will throw in the towel. No, it just means that I have to put more effort in this and be better next week! I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

Seeing that I haven’t really stuck to my rules yet I’m not going to change them or add anything else to it. I’ll just update the exercise section and put it in the sidebar as my personal goal list. Let’s see how that goes…

That’s it for now. I hope you are doing well and I’m looking forward to reading your updates!

now or never!

2006-02-11T16:56:00.000Z

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I ever seem to stay on track for more than a few days? The beginning of this year has started off so well. Surely my motivation can’t have faded that fast… Or has it already vanished into thin air? Please don’t let this be true, I need to find it again and refocus on my goals. It’s not that I don’t WANT to be good. Because I really do! I do want to get rid of the fat, I do want to be healthy and I do want to succeed! I don’t want to slack off and suddenly wake up in June, only to find that I’m going to turn 30 still being the big girl, hiding behind layers of lard and having that sense of inferiority because of it. I want to live life to its fullest and I feel that being overweight keeps me from doing so… It’s now or never – time to get in shape and release the real me! What am I waiting for???

I seem to be on an emotional roller coaster. One day I’m flying high – totally OP and determined to make it happen – only to find myself crashing down again – losing my motivation and feeling utterly helpless and like I’m never be able to see it through… That’s when I start nibbling here and there until I’ve mindlessly consumed a week’s worth of points. And then it’s so hard to get back into it!

But hey, I don’t want this to be my pity party. This is getting me nowhere. I need to take action and do something about the situation! (Yeah, I know I said that many times before… And I’m quite sure it won’t be the last time either…)

So here’s what I’m going to do until next official WI next Wednesday…

* Drink at least 2 litres of water each day! Water is my friend!

* Keep within points allowance, i.e. eat no more than 21 points each day.

* Get in 2 walks, at least 30 minutes each. Do 40 laps at the pool. This should get me at least 8 AP’s which I don’t plan to eat.

* Write what I bite! I will meticulously journal everthing I eat. No more cheating…

Guess this should do for now, I can always add more goals next week. I have 4 days left to undo the damage and have a decent result at next WI... I guess with the goals I set myself this should be doable, shouldn't it? I will try my hardest to keep you posted on how I do, this will hold me accountable. And yes, I’m going to start RIGHT NOW. So be ready to kick my butt when I don’t stick to those rules… :)

Thanks for listening. I wish everyone a wonderful weekend!

busy bee

2006-02-11T06:00:00.000Z

Delurking is great. You should try it out as well… You get in touch with all the nice people you already adore anyway just from reading their blogs every day. And they might even leave a comment in yours… :) Thanks to everyone who has done so!
But yeah, it’s kinda hard work too, especially when you’re as addicted as I am and have so many of blogs you read… I’m still a far cry from having left a comment in ALL the blogs I read, but I’m at it... One step (or blog) at the time…
I guess I just like this delurking thing that much because I like to get things sorted out. I like being in control of things. Unfortnately that hasn’t been the case with my eating and exercising lately… Nope, no control whatsoever there… So next thing I’ll tackle is getting a grip in the eating/exercising department! I’ve yet to update my sidebar and oh so many little goals to set…

But now I’ve got to run… Will be back later!

happy delurking week!

2006-02-09T11:45:00.000Z

I am a blog junkie. Seriously, if there ever was such a thing as ‘blogitis’ I’d be totally infected. First thing I do in the morning (ok, second thing after the loo…) is switching on the computer and checking my blog. Then breakfast. And back to the computer to browse through everyone else’s blog… that’s how addicted I am. It’s almost ridiculous! I guess if my computer broke down, I’d go cold turkey… So yeah, you better watch out – ‘blogitis’ might be contagious for all I know… :)

Like an addict who’s constantly craving more of his drug, I’ve discovered more and more blogs – some of which I visited just once and didn’t bother to follow… But those are just a few exceptions, most of my ‘finds’ are good ones - people I can relate to, who are in the same boat as I am, and their stories are funny, insightful, inspiring and well-written. I’ve been lurking in many of those blogs, quietly reading along and following their journey without ever leaving a comment… And this is going to change now. Because I officially declare this week as my personal delurking week! I’m going to leave a comment (even if only to say hi…) in all the blogs I’ve been reading. No more lurking for me!

This way I might be able to bring my links up to scratch. Because otherwise I might just lose myself in all the blogs that are out there…

HAPPY DELURKING WEEK EVERYONE!

Oh, and feel free to leave a comment in my blog if you’ve been lurking here… :)

i have told my mum...

2006-02-08T09:59:00.000Z

Weight Watchers was my little secret. I never told anyone (apart from the boy and my sister) that I was trying to lose weight by joining Weight Watchers for fear of being judged and constantly being questioned about it. I’ve tried other diets (I know, WW is NOT a diet, but you catch my drift…) before and was always very open about it. But then, people would permanently ask me about it and wouldn’t get off my back with well-meant tips… I absolutely hated that! The constant need to justify what I was doing, what I was eating, how much I was exercising and so on jarred on me and wore me down. The absolute worst are people who have never been overweight and therefore obviously never have been in the same situation telling you that what you’re doing is never going to work, that the only way to do it right is this and that… Arrgh!

So yeah, I’ve tried a lot and nothing worked really… Then I came across Ms Jayme’s story. I was very impressed by her accomplishments and her ‘visual evidence’ almost swept me off my feet. (If you don’t know her yet, go and visit her site – she’s a fantastic writer and a true inspiration!) And suddenly there was this ray of hope that I could do it too. I began to believe that I’m not destined to be fat forever, that reaching a healthy and comfortable weight was possible, if I dare to tackle the challenge…

I summoned up all my courage and went to my first WW meeting. And although I’m not usually the type of person who likes to go somewhere alone, I went all by myself. It needed a lot of positive self-talk then, and I nearly turned around at the last minute… Luckily, I didn’t. I attended the meeting and subscribed there and then, full of hope that it would work for me too. I knew it would take a lot of energy to be successful and I didn’t want to waste any energy for having to justify myself again, so I didn’t tell anyone. I wanted to do it for nobody but myself. It was my secret. Yes, you read right – it WAS…

Up until today it was a secret. But it’s not anymore… Today I told my Mum. She rang me this morning and we were just chit-chatting about this and that when she told me that she bought a WW cookbook. Right. So she went on to explain how everything works, that every recipe has a certain amount of points and so on… So I went like ‘Yes Mum, I know how it works.’ And she asked ‘Oh, do you? Do you know someone…?’ And then I told her everything. No big deal I guess.

My mother used to be very sceptical towards WW because my aunt once lost a lot of weight by joining WW ages ago. But then she stopped paying attention to the plan and packed it all back on plus some more. So my Mum’s conclusion was that WW doesn’t work. I really thought that I’d have to fight my point of view and my being a WW member, but obviously that’s not the case… What a relief! And it might make the family dinner on Sunday’s less of a challenge now, because she intends to use those WW cookbooks now since both she and my Dad should lose some weight too. I just hope that not every aunt, uncle and cousin will know about my weight loss efforts very soon… (my Mum is quite talkative sometimes…) But hey, what if…? It wouldn’t be the end of the world. I can handle this. I’m strong and determined. And this is just ME. Why am I even afraid that people might judge me for it?

On another note... I skived off my WW meeting today. Have I told you that my first card with the weightloss chart is full already? I got a new one last week and I didn't want to start it off with a gain... And I'm quite sure I would have seen I gain if I went - so I just bailed out. Pathetic, huh? Now I have to be extra good if I want to see a decent loss next week. Wish me luck!

Right, these are my thoughts for today… with yet more to come! My brain is full of random thoughts that want to be posted here… :)

unfair world

2006-02-07T07:13:00.000Z

Sorry that I haven’t updated earlier, but I needed a little rest. After handing in my assignement on Friday and after having had an exam on Saturday I was spent. Really knackered! All I wanted to do is curl up in a ball and go into hibernation… So I decided to allow myself a break from everything remotely work related and just enjoyed the weekend. It’s been a long time since the boy and I had a whole weekend just to ourselves, so we really appreciated that we could do whatever we felt like. And we did lots of things and it was great!

The only ‘problem’ after taking a break from updating my blog now is… Where the heck do I start again? :)

Although it was supposed to be a relaxing and easy-going weekend, which it absolutely was, a few thoughts have come up and they’ve been sitting in a corner of my mind ever since… This has not only been a relaxing but an emotional weekend too. Let me explain this from the start…

After having finished my exam on Saturday the boy picked me up and although it was only noon we went straight to the cinema where we watched a documentary about the food industry and the discrepance between the western lifestyle we have and how people in the third world are struggling to come by. I think it really is a good film, because it makes people realise what we have and what we DO to others who are not as fortunate by buying things without thinking where they came from, who worked for us to have them available and why they are as cheap as they are… This film's an eye-opener and I really believe that this is a good thing because it’s so easy for all of us to be ignorant to these facts! Let’s take tomatoes as an example… We mindlessly buy and consume them now, in the midst of winter, without ever wasting a thought as to who is paying the price for us to have them… I don’t say that I’m any better – altough I’ve known about this before, I sometimes bought tomatoes or other veggies or fruit out of season just because it was there and I felt like having it. Pathetic, I know. This is crazy. In fact, it’s quite hard to buy all the right things only. You have to read the information on the wrappings very very carefully and don’t take anything for granted. Like, I wanted to buy onions the other day… Just onions, that’s hardly anything exotic which doesn’t grow where I live. So you’d think they’re home-grown, right? Wrong. I checked the label and it read ‘Tasmania’. What the f&%*£??? I mean, I LOVE Tasmania don’t get me wrong here, but I don’t need my onions to come from there… Seriously, do you have any idea how much energy is needed (or more like wasted) to get them from the field in Tasmania to the supermarket where I shop? It’s the other side of the globe where I live! And they’re wrapped exactly the same way with exactly the same label like the home-grown onions are, so if you’re not extra careful you don’t even realise what you buy… But hey, I found the home-grown onions in another corner of the veggie stand. And guess what… they’re more expensive! Something is just not right here…

Ok, I didn’t really intend to make this story so long… but I get a bit carried away when I think of these things. Isn’t it just crazy? Here we are, struggling to be healthy because our copiousness makes us ill. And then there are people who are struggling to be healthy because they don’t have enough… Sad. Unfair. Just not right!

So, seeing that this post is long enough as it is already, I’m going to come to an end here and keep all the things I wanted to say in mind for the next one…

See, I’m back in full swing. I’ll now try to catch up with all of you… Have a good day!

wohooo i'm done!

2006-02-03T18:59:00.000Z

*I actually wanted to post the following this morning already… But blogger wouldn’t let me and I really had to do. But here it comes anyway…*

Finally! I’m done with the written assignement… phew, that was hard work! I only slept about 2 hours last night because I didn’t finish earlier. This is definitely NOT the way I should approach such projects! I usually do quite good and I’m happy with the marks I get, but putting things off until the very last moment is just not healthy for me… I’m so stressed out at that said last moment, anxious that I can’t finish on time – and that’s exactly when the food frenzy usually starts. I’d just mindlessly shovel food (and not healthy food, mind you!) in mouth hoping that it’d distract me from my anxiety and numb that constant pressure I feel.

I know I’m a stress eater, so thank God that didn’t happen this time! Eating wise I feel very much in control and on top of the world right now. And that’s really positive because I’ll need it. Today I’m going to hand in that paper, but next week I’ll have to make a presentation about it and answer eventual questions the assessor or the expert might have… So, it’s not over just yet, but it will be soon!

Sorry, I don’t want to bore you with my homework ramblings… But unfortunately I don’t have to change the topic since I have to get ready and running! Busy day ahead again… I promise I’ll write a proper time as soon as things have slowed down a bit.

Take care and enjoy your day!

3, 2, 1... time's up!

2006-02-02T07:00:00.000Z

Today I'm going to be busy as a bee! I'm going to kick ass and work assiduously until I'm done with all the paperwork. And I will get that walk in! Just needed some positive self-talk here... :)

Unfortunately, the time I allotted myself for blogging this morning is already up... I couldn't visit everyone and I didn't leave comments, but I'll do that along with a proper update in the evening. Ok, ready, set, go!!!

unexpected loss

2006-02-01T22:47:00.000Z

What would I ever do without you all??? The comments and opinions you left me in my last post were very helpful and although I’m still not quite sure yet how I will handle the situation, it’s good to know that I’m not alone… You know, I sometimes wonder if I’m completely off my rocker… but seeing that other people think alike I guess I’m ok. :)

I totally agree with all of you, some of your comments expressed exactly what I was thinking… But, umm… I can’t decide wether or not to give her the adress yet. So I’ll just go with Snackiepoo’s advice – I’ll do what WANT to do and WHEN I want to do it. I’m going to try and listen to what I really feel deep down, and then act accordingly.

Ok, moving on to a different topic… I went to my WW meeting today and the scale there showed a loss of 0.8 kg / 1.7 lbs. What a pleasant surprise! Yay! I didn’t expect that at all, I even thought I might have a gain considering how much I ate lately… So I’m well aware that this is probably just a fluke, but a loss is always welcome! And boy, it has boosted my motivation no end! I’ve had a totally OP day today and even managed to save 2 points… That hasn’t happened in a long time so I’m really happy and exited about it. Let’s hope that this time round the motivation and determination lasts a bit longer…

I don’t have to go to work tomorrow… Yahoo, how I love a day off!!! However, my day will be filled with doing homework, reading and getting all my paper stuff done. Or that’s what it SHOULD look like… No seriously, I’m going to have quick peek here in the morning, I’ll give myself about 20 minutes to browse through some of your blogs and then it’ll be work work work for me! Only when I’ll be finished with everything – especially the writing I have to hand in on Friday - blogging will be allowed again… Besides, I really need to get a walk in tomorrow! I’ve signed up for the Fat Fighter’s fitness challenge which means that I need to get three walks in until Sunday since I haven’t done any so far… And I will NOT fail to comply with the plan! Wish me luck…

Have a great day everyone!

what would YOU do?

2006-01-31T15:20:00.000Z

Remember my friend Nita? The one I told you about a few day ago? The one who was dumped by her fiancé and has been feeling miserable ever since? Well, I’m going to write about her again today… She still has her ups and downs which is totally understandable of course. Time is a healer they say – but yeah, it does take a lot of time! But I suppose the fact that she has not only ‘downs’ but ‘ups’ as well is already good for a start, isn’t it?
I still feel like I should do more for her. Listen to her thoughts, cheer her up, distract her, keep her from mulling over it all the time… We had a really good talk last Saturday and I once more realised that she’s quite important to me. She’s easy to talk to – you can tell her just about everything and she will listen and give you an honest feedback. She’s been empathetic and supportive when I needed it. Plus, she’s a wee bit crazy too… You know, not the ‘completely off her rocker’ kind of crazy but the ‘good but just different’ kind of crazy which makes her all the more adorable and so much fun to hang out with. To cut a long story short, I’m very happy to have her as a friend!

Now here’s my dilemma… I told her about having a blog. That was a long time ago already, and she remembered how I raved about getting so much support from people who are faced with the same problems and everyday challenges and how much that helped me. In fact, apart from Nita about four other people know that I have a blog, but I’ve never given away the URL – so nobody knows this site and I don’t think they would find me even if they tried. I quite like it that way, this is my secret little place where I can be just me. I don’t have to pretend to be cool, I don’t have to worry that people will laugh at me (and if they do so I don’t see them anyway…) and I know that probably only people who go through the same thing can truly understand and relate to what it means to be overweight and how much of a struggle it is to try and lose that extra fat… Sometimes I get the impression that people who have never experienced any weight problems and have been skinnny all their lives just can not understand what I’m going through. The way they look at me just seems to say ‘Just look at her… It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out she should eat less, does it?’ That’s so humiliating and I just want to yell at them ‘Of course I KNOW that I should eat less and exercise more! I’m not stupid – it’s just not that f*cking easy to do so, you know?’ But that’s another story… Got a bit side-tracked here.

Anyway… Nita thought that blogging might be a way to come to terms with the fact that she is single again. You know, reflect her own thoughts and getting everthing off her chest and so on… Of course I encouraged her to create her own blog, I think it’s a brilliant idea, seeing how much it helps me. So I gave her a few tips on blogger and how to add sitemeter and everything and she in turn gave me the URL for her blog and asked for mine. Uh yah… and now? I really appreciate her openness and I am honoured that she obviously thinks that I’m worth to share her secret blog… But at the same time I’m very reluctant to give away the adress off my own blog. I don’t know why, I’ve got nothing to hide and I trust her, but it just doesn’t feel right to mix my ‘blog life’ with my ‘real life’. I can’t explain… Can you understand this? Or am I just being weird and selfish? What would YOU do?

lazy sunday afternoon

2006-01-29T15:33:00.000Z

Umm… I’m actually a little embarrassed by last night’s post… Of course nothing was ever wrong, the boy came back safe and sound (and drunk for that matter) and everything in the garden is lovely. He’s sleeping away the day and I’m trying to get some homework done. I have to hand in a paper next Friday, so I better step up a gear…

Well, this does not only apply for studying and finishing my homework but also for my weight loss effort which hasn’t really been an effort all that much lately…! I need to figure out a way to keep me going. I know that little slip ups are part of the journey and that everyone experiences hard times. But what I’ve done lately does exceed the term ‘little slip up’ and I really need to get a grip on myself NOW!

I’d love to make some sort of contract with myself to hold me more accountable – complete with a weightloss chart, goals and rewards and everything. Wouldn’t it be great if I put up my personal challenge and posted it in the sidebar? This way I would be right there, in front of my eyes, everytime I check in on my blog. I would constantly be reminded of my goals! And maybe having it out in the open for everyone to see would make not complying with it harder… Yah, I actually think that’s a brilliant idea!

The only problem is, that I’ve got no clue about how I can make this challenge appear in my sidebar, let alone a weightloss chart… I’m just not the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to html and any other computer stuff… So, if anyone of you out there is a real computer geek or just knows how this works… Helpful hints and tips are really appreciated!

Ok, I have to get ready now… We are invited to have dinner with friends tonight. I’m not going to worry about it too much though. Tomorrow is a new week and by then I’ll have figured out a good plan.

Wish you all very nice and relaxing weekend!

take it with a pinch of salt

2006-01-29T03:27:00.000Z

I’m back again. My flat is now nearly spotless, I’ve watered the plants, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom and sorted out ALL my paperwork. The laundry is in the washing machine – I set the timer to have it starting early in the morning because we’re not allowed to wash during the night. I then proceeded to do some work for where I work… So I’m all set now. Planning ahead my meals for next week has proven to be more difficult than I thought… I have a hard time thinking so far ahead and really imagining what I might like to eat on Wednesday for instance… I don’t know if I’ll be able to stick to my plan, but we’ll see…

It’s now in the middle of the night – 3:30am already – and I’m dead tired… I should probably just leave it and go to bed! But I’m in that ‘I want to be done with as many things as possible’ mood right now, so I’m pushing myself to stay awake. Plus the boy hasn’t come home yet, so I might just wait for him… Yeah, right… Sometimes I’m amazed at myself, at how silly I am! At around 10pm he gave me a ring to let me know to which bar they were going. I really had the possibility there to decide if I wanted to join them, didn’t I? Well, I couldn’t really make up my mind and then I thought I’d better have my things done first… Which is absolutely fine by me, I don’t really have a problem with the boy going out on his own. But I didn’t expect him to be THAT late either. So now I’m just a tiny little bit pissed off that he didn’t call again to say that they were having so much fun, it was going to be late and did I really not want to join them? I know I’m just being super stupid… Because he did call just a few minutes ago to say that it might be even later – he just forgot to ask if I wanted to come… And I, silly cow that I am, think that he doesn’t WANT me to be there. Gosh… I really KNOW how stupid that is, I really do. It’s not that I don’t trust him or anything, and I’m not being jealous…

Do you ever have such issues as well? Or am I just a big fat whiney baby? Guess my problem is my lack of self-confidence… I sometimes feel so insecure and then I overanalyze what people say or do… or what they don’t say and don’t do… And then I take it personally, although I probably just draw the wrong conclusions sometimes… Bwha ha ha – this post makes me laugh at myself! I sound like a cracked up and rather neurotic nut case… I hope I don’t scare anyone away with my ramblings! You have to take that with a pinch of salt...

Enough said. Before I make a complete fool of myself... :)