new year - new blog - new chance

Welcome in 2007. This will be the year I reach my goal. I feel ready to let go of my old habits and all the blubber that comes with them. Today marks the beginning of a new year - a new start with a clean slate. Just like my new blog.

www.alea-onceandforall.blogspot.com

I hope you all come and join me on my 'new' journey! Having found so many friends in blogland has been one of the best things that happened to me in 2006. I'm looking forward to sharing 2007 with you again. xxx

all good things must come to an end...

And so I'm leaving this blog. I have thought long and hard about it, and although a part of me wants to hang on to it, I've decided that it's time to say Goodbye...

I'm not going to delete this blog though. I can't just wipe out one year of my life - even if it's just a virtual part of it. This has been my personal place here in blogland, a place where I got to know many wonderful people, a place where I made new friends and a place where I learned a lot about myself. How could I ever delete all this?

This blog has been a very important part of my life in 2006 and I don't regret having spent so many hours in front of the computer, blogging my time away. (Even though I might be one step farther in my weight loss journey, had I rather spent those hours at the gym...) This past year hasn't been the greatest for me weight wise, and not even writing my blog and being accountable to the world has helped me become the person I want to be. But 2006 is almost over, and there's no point in dwelling over missed chances. The moment has passed already and it's time to look forward.

A new year is just around the corner. Time for a new start. I'm currently playing around with a new blog and will post a link as soon as I feel ready... So for now, all that is left to say for me is this... A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL! May it be filled with everything you wish for.

one day late: inspirational monday...

Credit for this week's words of wisdom go to Philippa. She had written this a few posts ago, and boy do I need to hear this now... Thanks for being such an inspiration, Phil!

Disclaimer: I would like to state explicitly that the inspirational quotes I'll be putting here on Sundays are thoughts and words of other bloggers. I don't want to take credit for them in any way and will always specify the author, if possible with a link. Please don't hesitate to contact me, should you find you don't want to be quoted in my blog! (alea.76@hotmail.com)

inspirational sunday

"Yesterday already happened, and tomorrow really never does come. The only thing you have control over is today."

Thank you all! I have received so many helpful and encouraging comments earlier this week and was once again amazed by how inspiring you all are to me. It's kind of crazy how a few kind words in my comment section can turn things around for me. They lift my spirits. They make me feel loved and appreciated. They give me courage to start afresh. In short, they inspire me no end!

And every so often, I find myself reading things in your blogs and suddenly some of the words and sentences catch my eye. They strike a chord with me and it's as if suddenly things become clearer. As if your way to put it makes just makes so much more sense. I can't quite explain it... Maybe it's enough to say that these are the little things, the inspiration that keeps me going.

So I decided to make Sundays the day I share one of these inspirational 'quotes' I have found either in my comments or one of your blogs. After all, can't we all do with a bit of extra inspiration? ¨

Credits for this week's inpirational quotes go to Fatinah. She left those words in my comment section and they helped me tremendously to put things into perspective and give the whole thing another try. Thanks for that, Fatinah!

Disclaimer: I would like to state explicitly that the inspirational quotes I'll be putting here on Sundays are thoughts and words of other bloggers. I don't want to take credit for them in any way and will always specify the author, if possible with a link. Please don't hesitate to contact me, if you should find that you don't want to be quoted in my blog! (alea.76@hotmail.com)

insert fancy title here...

Today looks like a promising day. It’s just after lunch and so far I’ve felt much more in control about what goes in my mouth than I have a in long time. It’s just after lunch and I feel satisfied. I’m not plagued by cravings and i finally don’t feel this restlessness that makes me turn to food for relief. I’ve started journalling again and so far I’ve consumed enough points to be full, but still have a decent amount of points left for tonight’s dinner. My fridge is stocked up with lots of veggies, cottage cheese and other such healthy stuff and if everything goes well, this could be my first OP day in months. I have even planned a little dessert for tonight, knowing full well that the time after dinner is always hardest for me… My plan is to have something sweet (and count the points for it), so I won’t feel deprived and raid the cupboard.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to stick with it, but at least I’ve got a plan which will make it easier. Or so I hope.

When I looked back on these last few weeks, I realised it was after my decision to quit WW meetings that my motivation waned and I started to slack off my weight loss efforts. It gradually went downhill from there… And then I hit rock bottom just a few days ago, when I suddenly found myself at my heaviest weight again, feeling fat and ugly and everything that comes with it. It made me think that maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to quit the meetings. That maybe I’m completely fooling myself to think for just one second that I’m strong enough to do it on my own… I don’t know whether this is true or not, but I’m not going back just yet. I’d rather give myself another chance to try and count points, and be accountable to myself only. We’ll see how it goes…

So here I am, I’m back at square one. There’s no denying it. But unlike two days ago when I felt like the biggest failure in town and just about drowned in a sea of self-pity, I’m determined not to stay here. I try to not dwell on the past but confidently look forward. Forward is the only way to go!

You might ask yourself what brought on this change of view… Well, that’s easy my friends. It was YOU that gave me back that first little bit of confidence which I needed to pick myself up again. After gaining back all the weight I lost in since May 2005 (which wasn’t even all that much to begin with) in a matter of just a few weeks, I felt like all these months before were for nothing and so was my blog. I wasted two years just to be at the same point where I started off. At square one.

However, I was wrong. So I might not be one of the most inspiring people out there, I’m no success story and who knows if I ever will be… But I’m glad to have been on this journey for all these months, because it means that I was able to ‚meet’ you all! I can’t even begin to explain what all your comments mean to me! I know it sounds kind of stupid because I don’t know anyone in ‚real’ life, but I feel like I’ve made some really great friends here and I wouldn’t change this for the world. I heart you guys!

And now, I think I’m off to the gym…

moment of truth

How many times can I come back here and write the same sh*@# again, again and over again? It’s ridiculous. And boring. And depressing.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve fallen off the wagon BIG TIME! What had started with a few slack days has soon turned into week-long binges... And believe me, it wasn’t just the odd piece of chocolate or the bag of crisps here and there. I’m talking about fully-fledged binges. I’ve been eating like there’s no tomorrow, and there was nothing that stopped me from stuffing my face like the biggest pig in the world. Not the alarming number on the scale. Not the jeans that suddenly felt snug again. Not even the bloated feeling and the stomach ache after eating so much junk. I’m disgusted at myself.

I’m alarmingly close to my highest weight again. No scratch that, I probably AM at my highest weight now. Who am I kidding? When I weighed in at my first ever WW meeting in May 2005, I was 81.2 kg / 179 lbs. That was fully clothed and probably after having breakfast. Today, I weighed in at 79.5 kg / 175.3 lbs – but that was first thing in the morning, just after the loo and butt naked. So there. I’m back at sqare one.

It’s feels like it’s been ages since I last went to the gym too… I probably lost every ounce of muscle I built up. At least, that’s how it felt when I went on a bike ride yesterday. My cousin invited us over to play some board games, which I really love. In order to convince my boy, I suggested going by bike – it’s about 5k, with lots of uphill parts. A few months ago, this would have been easy. I wouldn’t even have considered it to be a workout. Piece of cake.
But yesterday, let me tell you, I was so out of breath and really struggled to keep up with the boy, who didn’t even ride that fast. And while I was lagging behind, trying hard not to cry, the waistband of my jeans cut into my stomach and made me feel even more uncomfortable. How could I let myself get to this point again? I was so angry at myself! Yet it didn’t stop me from gobbling up handfuls of the snacks my cousin offered… Again, what the f%*@ is wrong with me???

I feel like the fat girl again. My clothes don’t fit and I feel unattractive and unworthy and just uncomfortable in my own skin. I know that I was nowhere near a healthy or normal weight when I was a few pounds lighter last summer, but boy did it make a difference! I felt in control and that gave me confidence. I felt confident and deep down I was convinced that I can do this, that I’ll reach my goal eventually. Now I’m not so sure. I’ve lost any control I had and I’m afraid that I’ll never get it back if I don’t snap out of this mindset soon…

Sorry to be such a cry baby! I know I’m the only one who can turn things around. After all, there’s nobody forcing me to eat that much, and there’s no one who makes me stay at home when I could go to the gym really… I know all this, and yet I can’t seem to get my act together and do it right. I feel like a failure. That’s also the reason I have posted so irregularly in the past few weeks. I don’t even really deserve to call this a weight loss blog anymore…

I feel like giving up. But I won’t. I can’t. I don’t want to feel like this any longer. I want to feel confident and alive again. Right now, I just don’t know how to go about it… Hopefully, I’ll figure it soon!

If you have any advice to offer, please feel free to leave me a comment. I'm at the end of my tether, so any little piece of advice is much appreciated...

first day of another month...

78.9 kg / 174 lbs